Sunday, February 17, 2008

Balls Of Steel

First of all, I'd like to apologize for causing what seemed like an absolutely horrendous game against the Rangers yesterday. A few days ago I decided to see if maybe the Magic of the Jersey could only be unleashed by actually wearing it during the game. It seemed logical, and it was easy enough to pull it on before I went to bed (it's so comfy!) and wake up to the outcome of the game. This strategy rewarded me with two consecutive wins against the Senators and the Leafs. Furthermore, my prediction for a 20th goal achieved via hat trick totally came true! Just for the wrong player. (Looks like the Magic Jersey's nationality locater needs a little recalibrating, as it overshot "German" by a hair and hit "Austrian" instead. Should be a quick fix.) Then the schedule pulled a fast one on me yesterday, as the game was during the evening here instead of the middle of the night. That meant I forgot to put the jersey on at the proper time, and that apparently flipped the Sabres' Suck Switch. So, uh, sorry. My bad.

But I'm not writing to focus on the painful experiences of this game, abundant though they may have been. Instead I want to bring to everyone's attention something undeniably awesome about yesterday's game. Allow me to introduce my sister. Usually she goes by Meghan, but for today you can call her "Balls of Steel":

Nice to see someone brought their A-game yesterday.

Balls of Steel recently moved from Buffalo down to New York City (the traitor), and she'd been eagerly awaiting this game since getting her tickets back in November. That's right, she went into Madison Square Garden, den of some of the league's un-friendliest fans ready and waiting with Drury-related quips and Upstate-related trash-talk, wearing a shirt covered in tiny, girly jewels. It may as well have had "Puckbunny" bedazzled on it, for all the uninformed eye could tell. That, my friends, takes balls of steel. And all in the name of an inside joke that will never die. I sure do appreciate it, Balls of Steel, because you gave me one hell of a laugh this morning. My hat is off to you, and, hey, you didn't happen to make one of those for me, too, did you?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pass out. With the Yo-Yo sweater on, of course, since we've proven once and for all that everything goes to shit when I don't.

Go Sabres!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

The Magic Jersey Is An Undeniable Success!

Wait... What's the opposite of success? Yeah, that's what I meant.

Ugh. I think I could smell that third period all the way from here.

Well, too bad, boys! I'm not taking the sweater back, and you can't make me. You're just going to have to get over it!

By the way, what the hell is going on here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch the Goose Eggs, there!

Charbacca, what gives? You conspire all A-S Weekend long to make me love you, and then you go and try to castrate Goose? Why must you toy with my emotions this way, giant one? WHY?!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Gameday Prediction: Sabres vs. Bruins

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Wasn't the last hockey game you saw over a month ago?
*Sigh* Yes.

Haven't you been posting non-stop nonsense about the Sabres since then, including the transcript of an imaginary phone conversation with a fishy incarnation of Jochen Hecht?
Ye---wait, imaginary?

Wasn't your last post made up entirely of movie quotes, with no hockey content whatsoever?
Oh, why don't you stop annoying people?

Could you be any more out of touch with the Sabres?
Well, I could be Bucky Gleason, but yes, I get your point.

And you're making a prediction for tonight's game? Do you expect us to believe this?

Because I have something you don't:

Wewease the secwet weapon!

(Sorry about the blurry quality of the photos. Apparently my camera doesn't do timer and focus at the same time.) There's magic in this fabric. I can feel it. I'm not quite sure yet how strong the powers are, but maybe, just maybe, it's full of--dare I say it?--turnaround juice. Whatever it is, I just can't help thinking that something wonderful is about to unfold.

Prediction: Captain (!!!) Hecht gets a hat trick and balloons, confetti, and yo-yos rain from the ceiling as he reaches the 20 goal mark for the first time in his career. They do that kind of thing, right? Of course, optimism has recently proven to be the enemy of a Sabres win, so I'm also predicting a 6-3 Bruins final. I hope everyone enjoys their free yo-yos, at least! Also? Chara will be large. Roy will be tiny. People will laugh about it.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Groundhog Day

Today's February 2nd, which to me means only one thing: Groundhog Day. This Bill Murray masterpiece takes its place in the Gambler Family Arsenal of Quotable Movies right alongside This is Spinal Tap and My Cousin Vinny, and this holiday gives us an excuse to work into everyday conversation phrases like "Did you really want to talk about the weather, or were you just making chit-chat?" and "Too early for flapjacks?" Not that we need one, really. I'll admit I've been a little nostalgic all day, thinking about all the groundhoggy fun they're surely having without me, so I thought, what better way to make my own fun than to combine the two things I'm most bummed about missing out on while in Germany? And let's be honest, being a Sabres fan this season has been not unlike being stuck living the same crappy day over and over again, wherein your hockey team keeps showing up to play 15 minutes of hockey every night, and just when it seems they've finally learned their lesson and turned it around for good, they're starting over again at square one. In honor of all that, Groundhog Day quotes meet the Sabres:

(Yes, I know this is the cop-outtiest of all cop-out posts, but you have to understand: It's been a month since I last saw a hockey game. A month. My withdrawal has gotten so bad that I'm actually planning on going to a sports bar at midnight on Sunday to watch the Super Bowl. That's football, people. I'm desperate, and not a little bit crazy, I don't doubt. Furthermore, if I pretended to know what's really going on with the Sabres right now, that would be a downright lie. Even eyewitnesses can barely seem to figure them out, and the ocean between us certainly doesn't add any clarity. I figure being honestly frivolous is better than being deceitfully intelligent. If you want actual hockey content, I suggest checking out Heather proving that Campbell sucks. Here? Just enjoy the pictures.)


Hey, Soupy, you're at the All-Star Game again! Do you ever have deja vu?
Soupy: I don't think so, but I could check with the kitchen.


*Sarcastic clapping* Just put that anywhere, pal! Yeah! Good save!


Hey, he could still be okay.

Well, not now.


What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
Andrew Peters: That about sums it up for me.