Hello everyone! I am back from vacation, and I find myself dangerously close to falling two weeks behind in my 12 to Remember series. Better get going on that!
Ut oh, looks like the Professional Sweater Handler has been slacking off. There’s no Caps sweater behind Kevin this week, only the Sabres third jersey where one should be hanging. I can’t say I mind though. Damn, I’m going to miss that throwback.
Now, the Caps don’t really lend themselves to being hated. They’re the kind of innocuously bad team that mostly everyone just feels sorry for. (You know, like the Bills.) But, of course, Buffalo fans had more than a few reasons to look forward to hating them during this game, and Kevin gives us a recap: Three weeks previous, Alex Ovechkin had tried to remove Danny Briere’s head much like one opens a bottle, checking him headfirst into the boards. As a result, he was ejected from the game, but not suspended and fined like $100 or some other laughable amount. To top it all off, even without Ovie, they pounded us 7-4, which was thoroughly embarrassing. So Sabres fans came into this game looking for a late Christmas present of revenge. And we weren’t disappointed.
Kevin also tells us this is the first game in a long time where everyone was healthy. Aw. On the one hand, no Ice Devouring Sex Tornado, but on the other hand, finally Hank!
First Period20:00 RJ announces that Olie the Goalie won’t be in net tonight for the Caps. Well, not yet, anyway. Tee-hee. Meanwhile, at the other end is “Ryan the Goalie.” Uh, nice try, RJ.
19:59 Briere wins the draw against… Oh my God, that’s right! Zubrus was a Cap! Now I’m even more psyched about this game! Commence Zubie-watch!
19:14 Despite the fact that Ovie handles the puck for all of two seconds before being called offsides, the fans (including me!) don’t waste any time in starting in with the boos. It’s gonna be a long night of that.
18:31 Soupy touches up an icing, and I have to ask, is there any point in a game where his hair is not completely soaked? All I have to say is, considering this his is first shift, that better be water, or else he needs a serious trip to the Center for Excessive Sweating.
18:09 I love Derek Roy. I really do. He picks up a turnover, barrels into the zone, and sets Soupy up for a goal with a perfect drop pass. This kid’s not a playmaker? Soupy, for his part, somehow blasts a perfect shot right into the net, despite the five people standing in front of it. And in the ensuing crowd shot, I see myself! Well, I see the sign my sister and I are holding, at least. If I remember correctly, there’s more where that came from.
17:01 RJ, who is this “Tallinder” of whom you speak? I thought he was dead. Hank welcomes himself back by falling down behind the net. Just
don't break anything!
16:27 Oh, this goal is just as ridiculous as I remember it. Drury, at the blue line, tries to get a pass to the crashing Gaustad, but the puck bounces and goes in the net instead. Now, before everyone gets all “Drury doesn’t even have to
try to score, that’s how amazing he is,” let’s remember to whom this goal really belongs: Miller, who just got a primary assist.
14:55 Roy takes the first shot of the night that doesn’t go in the net. Come on! We’re gonna pay $4 mil a year for this? Just kidding, Derek. That was a really nice move to get around the D, there.
14:13 The building starts appropriately chanting “Johnson! Johnson!” I think it’s just Emery’s maddening presence that makes us forget how to do it properly. To be fair, who doesn’t want to spend every waking second heckling Ray Emery?
12:45 Listen, Drury, stick to empty netters and crazy bounces, okay? When you go and score goals that you actually earn, I start feeling the need to find the fucking phone. I’ll point out, though, that Kotalik did all the work in the corner and Drury only had to one-time a pass through the slot. I mean, anyone could have scored from there, right?
12:30 Well, I guess so, because Kotalik now scores from pretty much the same exact place. Johnson promptly breaks his stick on the crossbar before taking his .333 save percentage and skedaddling to the bench. The best part of this goal? The much, much closer-range shot MSG shows of my sister and me and our sign (it says, by the way, “Hecht! We’re not Jochen, we love the Sabres”). I mean, I can almost recognize myself!
11:09 Max draws a delayed hooking penalty while charging to the net. Off his rebound, Roy makes a beautiful between-the-legs pass to Vanek, who then drops it to Spacek. Who then, of course, gives it away while attempting to shoot. But the point is, Roy and Vanek can make sweet, sweet hockey music together, and they better have six years or so of it left in them.
10:10 Max scores from just to the left of Olie, and this game officially enters the “Is this really happening?” zone. I mean, not only is it 5-0 already, but the Sabres just spent an entire minute on the power play without going into their own end
once. Unreal, I tell you.
9:37 Peters and Brashear interrupt RJ and Jim’s discussion of how hot Jason Pominville is (they say it’s because he has five points in the past two games, but all anyone sees are the curls) because they want to look manly or something. Even RJ sounds bored about the prospect of calling this fight, and I can’t say I’m too keen on recapping it. It’s not a bad fight—Peters wins with a few good right hooks, and toolishly salutes the crowd afterward—but it’s pretty unnecessary. Afterward, Rayzor takes credit for telling Andrew how to fight Brashear, and gives us way too much detail about how he likes to fight in close, and so if you keep him out blah blah blah.
9:03 A Vanek shot deflects into the net off of either Roy or the defender guarding him. Jim declares, “This is unbelievable, everything they’re shooting is going in the net!” Uh, don’t forget that first Drury goal, Jim. Even things they’re
not shooting are going in the net. I was really hoping for a shot of the Washington bench right now, because I just know everyone’s looking around going, “Is there someone else can we put in goal? …Not it!”
8:04 Semin tries to shovel a wraparound into the open side of Miller’s net, but Drury is there to block the puck with his skate. Since that’s a better save than either of the two Johnson made, I have to say: Take that Washington! You can’t find one decent goalie? Well, we’ve got two, so ha! (Um, you can totally take Drury if you want.)
7:08 Right as the camera pans away down the ice you can see Briere heading in for the infamous Spearing on Ovechkin. Oh lord. While I was at the game I totally missed it, but once I saw the clip on YouTube the next day I’ll admit I was really disgusted. It’s pretty obvious that Ovie wasn’t hurt, judging by the delay between impact and reaction, but still, what a low thing to do. Especially when you’re up 6-0 already. Danny, why couldn’t you save that kind of behavior for your Flyer days?
5:40 RJ and Jim discuss how Peters earned an assist earlier in the game (yeah, you know who else did, and is more interesting? Ryan Miller!), and how his first NHL goal was against the Caps. RJ declares, “He really makes hay against the Capitals.” He’s using the little-known definition of “makes hay” that means “scores one more point than his goaltender,” I guess. Seriously, I don't know how no one has mentioned that Miller assist, yet. I mean, Ryan actually completed a pass!
2:33 With Semin in the box for upsetting Kotalik (please, oh please tell me he made a comment about that delightfully eurotrashy facial hair), the Sabres perform something that actually looks like a power play. There is a lot of passing and some shots are taken, many of which are actually on net! How exciting! Of course, they don’t score, but they probably are too full of pity to score at this point.
1:50 Yo-Yo knows it just wouldn’t be a game if he didn’t get lots of time with a perfectly wide open shot only to fire it directly at the goalie’s chest protector. He does that because he knows how much it thrills me. Honestly, it does.
1:30 Oh,
Ryan. You can almost hear my family’s traditional “You’re killing me, Smalls!” coming from section 106 as Miller goes behind the net to show off his sweet stickhandling skillz and ends up assisting on a Washington goal. I guess he wanted to prove just how sucky he can be with the puck so that people will realize how amazing his assist was. Meanwhile Lydman is sitting practically in his back pocket, waiting for his big clumsy goaltender to get out of his way so he can do his job. To be fair, Miller almost got back to make the save, and he was probably just confused and thought the clock said 1:30 remaining in the
third, which is his usual deadline for coughing up shutouts. Can you really blame him for thinking this game was over already?
Second Period18:45 Ovechkin gets a delayed penalty for goalie interference, as he checks Miller right inside his own crease for no particular reason. Somebody’s Oviebits are still a little sore, aren’t they? Miller, for his part, decides to show off some of his sweet skating skillz, too, and almost falls over while skating backwards to the bench. I’m shocked he didn’t somehow manage to assist an empty netter in the process.
16:45 For all you Buffalo fans who screamed “THE POWER PLAY! WHERE’S THE FUCKING POWER PLAY?!” all throughout the playoffs, I have your answer: the Sabres crammed all of their good power plays into one game against the Capitals in December. Because everyone knows that's when they really count. Really, they look good, moving and shooting more than once, and getting at least two huge chances. But they don’t score because Washington apparently spent the intermission finding a goaltender who actually remembers what he’s doing, and dressing him in a Kolzig sweater.
16:36 Ovie streaks out of the box and in on a breakaway while Soupy tries frantically to track him down, skating to his usual rhythm of “Fuck, fuck, oh fuck, I’m a defenseman, fuck.” Miller saves him, though, and comes up with one of his patented so-huge-it-looks-simple stops.
15:57 A collision between Tallinder and Zubrus at center ice is too hot to show on screen, but RJ comments that Zubrus is “really feeling his oats, here.” Um. I have nothing to say to that except, is Zubie feeling
Hank's oats? No wonder the camera panned away so quickly!
14:08 Max does a nifty move to poke a long Spacek pass just in behind three Washington defenders, and even though he overskates himself out of room and doesn’t get a shot away, it’s still pretty sweet. I guess that’s Max in a nutshell: initial excitement usually comes to naught, but it’s still fun to watch.
13:37 Is Rob Ray really going to show us footage of Peters’ first NHL goal? Well, I suppose if he must… It’s even more underwhelming and forgettable than I imagined it would be. The only thing RJ has to offer on the matter is a lame roll/role pun, and I think it’s pretty safe to assume that unless he’s shrinking Marty Biron’s sweater, or trying to brush Derek Roy’s teeth, no one really gives a shit what Peters does.
12:19 On the penalty kill (somehow Hecht snuck into the box without me noticing), Miller swats away a Zubrus shot with the side of his glove, and any dreams I had of a celebratory Zubie close-up fly into the corner with it.
9:30 Remember how I said the Sabres wasted all their good power plays in this game? Well, apparently they wasted some of their bad ones, too, as they prove there are things in the world of hockey even more underwhelming and forgettable than Peters’ first NHL goal. Still, 1 for 4 with 12 shots is a pretty good day for them, all told.
5:41 For time constraints we’ve jumped ahead in the second, just in time to hear Rob Ray harping on about Andrew Peters again, and how he had to lose weight over the summer in order to crack the line-up and how he performs his thankless job day in and day out and zzzzzzzzzz. Um, and I think you might be confusing “thankless” with “pointless” there, Rayzor.
5:24 Zooming over the Buffalo blue line, Ovie beats Hank and roofs a neat shot from the circle over Miller’s glove. I have to admit I love how he punkily cups his hand to his ear to welcome the boos that naturally follow. Other than a brief glimpse of the number nine during the celebration, there’s not much else of note about this goal.
4:26 Green makes the mistake of thinking he can knock Goose down in front of the net, and gets flattened for his trouble. Goose, I love you. After some mutual mouthing off takes place, Washington sends out Brashear to challenge, and he’s quickly shadowed by Peters. Oh please, no. I’ve had about all I can take of him for tonight.
0:08 What’s this? RJ and Jim discuss Washington’s best line, and we get lingering shots of both Ovie and Semin, but Zubrus is like the invisible man, and he gets himself tossed from the face-off circle just to force them to mention him. I’m so glad there’s no danger of him having to live in the shadow of young superstars as a Devil (uh, sorry Mr and Mrs Parise, Boxworthy, et al.), because he deserves better than this.
Third Period20:00 The Caps start off the period on the power play, and Toni Lydman is the Dainius Zubrus of this Sabres penalty kill, as Hecht, Tallinder, and Drury all get loving close-ups while he remains an unexplored mystery.
19:11 The fans are in top form as they seamlessly convert their cheers for a good clear of the zone into boos when Ovechkin collects the puck in his own end. It’s beautifully musical.
17:03 Max skates energetically into the zone, but Roy and Vanek are too tied up in front to make anything of his centering pass. Instead, Vanek allows himself to be hooked. Is it a sign of how awful the Sabres power play really is that I want to call that a lazily drawn penalty? C’mon, Thomas! You can’t be putting your team up a man at a time like this! Meanwhile, the guy who chose the “Here Comes the Power Play!” music here is either way too excited for the man advantage, or spends way too much time in gay bars. (Actually, my coincidental use of the phrase “man advantage” there makes me want to declare those two things more significantly related than I anticipated.)
16:41 Clark scores shorthanded a mere 21 seconds in, and proves that Vanek really was lazy to draw that penalty. This goal also proves that if you’re looking for a good man advantage, you’re better off with the gay bar than the Sabres. (Have I just found next season’s slogan?)
14:41 Hecht gets hooked—lazy!—and the usual, operatic power play music has returned to us. I really love this selection, because I find that the frenzied drums mixed with the unintelligible vocals perfectly convey the message: “Oh no! In the name of all that is holy, look away and hide your children! They power play is coming! Destruction! Doom! Death!”
12:41 Okay, so that wasn’t exactly as advertised. Destruction! Doom! Death! weren’t on the menu, so it was more Missed Passes! Turnovers! Shoot the Puck Already! Which is almost as bad. Actually, Buffalo did manage to get a couple of good chances there, they just looked like they were playing at even strength for the full two minutes. That’s a sight better than they sometimes look, though, so I’m not going to complain too much.
12:09 Roy collides with someone at center ice, and miraculously doesn’t hit the ice. And I actually don’t mean that as an insult, this time. This Cap is obviously substantially bigger than little Roysie, but he just takes the open ice hit, and stays on his feet. I’m so proud! Of course, he makes up for it seconds later by going flying in front of the net, spinning through the air and taking Hank out in the process. I see that it was Zubie who hit him there, though, so I’ll give him a pass on that one. No one likes to have their oats felt.
7:23 Cuts by MSG and lackluster play by both teams allow my attention to wander until Briere makes a snappy pass to Pommer in front of the net. But Jason’s signature drool-in-the-crease distraction move isn’t enough to fool whoever’s wearing that Kolzig sweater, and he doesn't score. Pommer looks open-mouthed and shocked: No one can resist the slobber! (And by the way, where the hell have
you been all game, huh?)
5:08 Mair does a fancy move to lose someone in the neutral zone, and I love the surprised but genuine cheering coming from the crowd. I think I love this guy more and more with every game I watch/re-watch. Please be a Sabre forever and ever, Adam.
3:57 Drury and Hecht get a shorthanded two-on-one (Lydman uneventfully interfered with someone earlier), but nothing comes of it, because Drury winds up and shoots it right at the Capitals logo on Olie’s sweater. I’m going to chalk that up to the proximity of Jochen “You're supposed to aim
where?” Hecht, so thanks Yo-Yo for saving me from having to remember another slag-faced whoretrick.
2:23 This Carrubba Collision confuses me. In RJ’s words: “Donald Brashear, 44 more pounds than Brian Campbell, and they both go down!” Now, are we supposed to congratulate Soupy because Brashear is too brain dead to stay on his feet? Besides, this check isn’t even really a check, because Soupy half-dodged it and Brashear half-ran into the boards, and they just kind of got tangled up and fell. I’m not sure the term “Collision” should even factor in at this point.
1:24 Oh my God, this is getting effing ridiculous! The Toyota Big Save of the Game is apparently a tie between the Ovechkin breakaway stop and the edge-of-the-glove-save on Zubrus, and we get close-ups of Ovie and Miller, but
not a single glance of Zubie! Are you kidding me?! We had to look at Donald effing Brashear after that Carrubba “Collision,” and for all we know, Zubrus may not have a face?! I give up. The world is clearly against my Zubie-watch here. (Also, do you suppose Hallmark sells “Thanks for being a giant curmudgeon” cards? Because if so, Ovie needs to send one to Marty Brodeur right away. I’d forgotten how stupid that tinted visor looks.)
Okay, so it got a little boring after the first, but I still love what a crazy opener this game was. Pretty much the equivalent of a knock-out punch in the first round. I remember there was a while there where I didn’t think the goals would ever stop, and then when they inevitably did, there was still the Ovie-booing to keep me occupied. Fun, fun, fun.
Next week (which, um, happened a week ago), the game this whole “Sabres to Remember” business was probably built around. Sabres, Senators, February 22nd. This is best remembered as the game Versus and NBC told you was a coming-together, bonding experience for the Sens about a million times during the SCF. Well, I hate to break it to you, but they were completely bullshitting you. Stay tuned for the real story. Hilariously, in the graphic for this game MSG managed to photoshop together a picture of Mair looking directly at Emery’s maskless face and making a classic “I’m going to throw up now, and it will probably be in your eyes” face. I cannot
wait for this.
Sadly, there’s a snag: My Tifaux once again decided my vacation was its vacation and took last week off. There’s no way I’m going to miss recapping this game, though, and it’s available on Google videos, so I hope no one minds getting a recap of the full game without any of MSG’s meddling. Of course, that means no Kevin Sylvester and his magical background of sweaters, but thankfully, he gives me something to tide me over by recapping the game in his own words right now: “This game had everything. Hits, fights, goals,
and a shootout!” To which I say Hey! Yes! Woo-hoo! And Ugh, again? But, oh well. Bring it on!
You're not as scary as you think you are, Caps.
