What a Difference a Season Makes

Yes, yes, I do realize that there is still actual hockey going on, but my access to the playoffs—due to my fickle internet connection and necessity for a somewhat stable sleep schedule—is becoming ever-more limited, so bear with me while I get a little prematurely nostalgic.

The other day I was cruising through some old posts, both on this blog and on some of my regular internet haunts, when something struck me: this Sabres season wasn't a total waste! Sure it was mostly frustratingly, heartbreakingly mediocre, and ultimately a disappointment, but that doesn’t mean it was completely worthless. You see, as much as we hockey fans are about devotion—to a sport, a team, a player—we’re also about changing our minds at a moment’s notice. We reserve the right to love a player one minute, and then think he’s a pile of puke the next, and vice versa. Sports fandom is as much about discovery as it is about dedication, and in a league where only one team can hoist the Cup in any given year it’s why the other 29 even bother playing the games. Maybe it’s just because I’m new at this whole hardcore fan thing, but I was stunned to find exactly how radically some of my opinions regarding certain players have changed, even over the course of this “worthless,” playoff-less season. Not to mention a season I only saw about a third of. So who are the major upgrades and downgrades in my affections? Let’s take a look:

#4 Nolan Pratt Pratters, I feel like we hardly know each other, and that saddens me. You came to a team already in progress, and I only had about two months’ worth of games with you before leaving the country. Toss in my indentured servantry to the Theater Department, and your frequent occupation of the pressbox keeping one or both of us from some games, and sometimes—I’m ashamed to admit it—I forget you even play for this team. Still, the general reaction to your play has been overwhelmingly positive, and you bring a much-needed tough defensive presence (not to mention the ability to grow facial hair) to this young and often irresponsible team, so I have no qualms about giving you a hearty thumbs-up! Let’s spend more time together next season, okay?
UPGRADE

#5 Toni Lydman *Nananananananana Nananananananana Lydman!* This time last year I had no idea what Toni Lydman was about. Now, I still don’t have any idea what Toni Lydman is about, but I do know that I like it. Sure, it was a tough season for him, hockey-wise, as he and Tallinder struggled to maintain the quality of play that makes them our number one defensive pairing, but he’s just so delightful! He’s a self-deprecating, mom-hair-wearing, shot-blocking, drumming MONSTER! What’s not to love? That said, he better relearn how to kick ass on defense by next year, or else we’re putting him back in the cage.
UPGRADE

#6 Jaroslav Spacek In terms of my fondness, Jaro is this season’s uncontested feel-good story. Last season I didn’t just want the Sabres to buy out his contract, I wanted them to abandon him in the dumpster behind HSBC Arena and leave him for dead. He and his $3 million contract were my very dictionary definition of worthless dead weight, by which all other worthless dead weights were measured. Well, to my surprise, he has not only risen from the ashes of my scorn, but he’s obliterated those ashes. There’s absolutely no soot on this guy anymore. It all started at the beginning of the season, when he started scoring on power play point shots, which are apparently his bread and butter. And then, even better, he started using the phrase “bread and butter” in his always-hilarious interviews. I sent him some apology cinnamon buns and that was the official death of my derision. As the season went on, he steadily became the more likeable and defenseman-like half of the Spacek/Campbell pairing, and by the time his January captaincy rolled around I was in full-on hockey love. Quite a miraculous turnaround for Spacho.
UPGRADE

#9 Derek Roy During last year’s playoffs, Roy-Z was the only player I loved to complain about more than Spacek. He wasn’t just worthless dead weight; he was actively detrimental dead weight. But, unlike with Spacek, I actually recognized that Roy was just a good player going through a rough (okay, brutal) time. By the time his contract extension came through, I’d gotten enough bitching out of my system to admit that I was happy about it, and I was fully ready to continue my love-hate relationship with Derek for another six years. A lot of other people were way more down on the signing, however, and I distinctly remember Schopp and the Bulldog (back when I thought listening to WGR550 was a worthwhile pursuit) circulating the Buckyism that the Sabres, by not re-signing Drury and Briere, had forced themselves into criminally overpaying their young guys; they said the only way the contract would turn into a deal was if Roy suddenly turned into a point-per-game player, which they both derisively agreed was an improbability. Well. Here’s Roy-Z, sporting a team-leading 81 points in 78 games, and one of the best second-halves of a season in the NHL. Heh, what a punk.
UPGRADE

#10 Henrik Tallinder There’s no way around the fact that Hank struggled this year. With a group of forwards who, outside of Hecht and Pominville, had only a vague familiarity with the term “responsible play,” not to mention Soupy systematically dismantling the blueline, we needed Hank to be great for us. And he and Lydman just… weren’t. I’m not saying I’m mad at him, I’m just disappointed. But I’m sure he’ll make it up to me next year. Still, that shootout goal against Brodeur was amazing, and Mr. Tall Indians is still the sexiest of our sexy defensive defensemen (based on both his sexiness and his defensive ability), so it’s not like it was all bad.
EVEN

#12 Ales Kotalik Man, oh man, oh man. What am I going to do with you, Superfreak? You’re killing me! Is there any way we can just make you a designated shootout shooter? You’re like that kid in the Mighty Ducks whose only palatable hockey skill is his wicked hard shot, which has a 1 in 5 chance of hitting the net. Unfortunately, this is the real world, where “secret weapons” don’t exist, and no goaltender is going to jump out of the net to avoid getting hit by your shot. I’ve just about had it with you.
DOWNGRADE

#19 Tim Connolly You would think that after the non-season Timmy had last year, there’d be no place for him to go but up. But you’d be wrong. Maybe that’s mostly my fault, because after the co-captain exodus a lot of fans were looking to the return of a healthy Connolly to seamlessly pick up the slack, which was clearly a doomed endeavor. For a while it seemed to be working; his incredible hockey sense and patience with the puck, combined with his equal playability on the power play and penalty kill, had me going, “Briere who?” for a good portion of the beginning of the season. But then his groin started hurting, and then his oblique started hurting, and then his head started hurting, and then he fell down the stairs and shattered his skeleton into a million pieces like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable, and then he got bone spurs, and then he… died? Seriously, has Darcy Regier discreetly flushed him down the toilet, hoping that we wouldn’t notice?
DOWNGRADE

#20 Danny Paille Pie-Yay is still a bit of a non-entity to me, since apparently I only got to see him during his cold streaks, but I did hear about his curious cycles of disappearing, being benched, and then going on a scoring tear. Rinse and repeat. Sounds a bit problematic, but hey, as long as it results in 19 goals and 35 points from a guy whose existence I kept forgetting last year, I’m not going to complain.
UPGRADE

#21 Drew Stafford You know it’s bad when even Connolly can be considered less of a disappointment than you. We fans weren’t fair to poor Staffy going into this season. The guy spent most of last season on the stretch of the 90 that runs between Buffalo and Rochester, and yet we were perfectly content to pin all of our hopes and dreams for the 2007-2008 Sabres on him. What can we say? We were hurting for a new Drury and Drew was out best bet. He never had a chance of pleasing us. Still, that’s no excuse for all but disappearing. The good news is, at least he has a future. While Timmy’s doomed to try to glue the remaining pieces of his skull back together and climb out of whatever sewer he’s been flushed to, Staffy can grow and learn and develop. He’s still young. And I’m confident he can turn it around. (It should also be noted that Staffy is way bad-ass-rockinger than Connolly will ever be. This much is beyond doubt.)
DOWNGRADE

#22 Adam Mair I spent all of last summer retroactively discovering the awesomeness that is Adam Mair. With every new thing I remembered or learned—he’s an effective, not to mention hot, fighter; he works hard every single shift; he’s devoted to staying in Buffalo; he hates animal cruelty—I loved him more and more. As a result, there was really no way for him to rise in my esteem any more. And, since it’s mainly his stoic dependability I appreciate, I wouldn't have it any other way.
EVEN

#26 Thomas Vanek Last season I was predisposed to like Vanek. He was born in Austria, where I knew I’d be headed within the year, and he played college hockey as a Golden Gopher at the University of Minnesota, right inside the very Twin Cities I’ve grown to love in my college days. Not to mention, he wasn’t a half-bad hockey player. Well, this season there was no “predisposed” about it. I unabashedly love this guy. My love should probably be tempered with more frustration with his play (or lack thereof), but it’s not. I know, I know, those who make the big bucks don’t get the luxury of excuses, especially not in Buffalo, but I don’t think anyone can accuse him of not trying hard enough, and that’s what matters most to me. As long as he’s not content to sit back under the shelter of his $52 million and let everyone else do the work, I think he’s going to be just fine. In any case, Vanek has found my soft spot, he’s moved in, he’s brought all his natural hat tricks, his one facial expression, and all the Weiner schnitzel you could want, and he’s not going anywhere.
UPGRADE

#27 Teppo Numminen He only played one game, and I didn’t see it, but I love him more and more every day regardless.
UPGRADE

#28 Paul Gaustad This was a big season for Goose. After his sophomore year was cut short (yeesh—no pun intended) by that grisly leg injury, he came in with something to prove. And, boy, did he ever. If there were any doubters, he’s now once-and-for-all secured his place as both Toughest Sabre—battling it out in front of the net and staying healthy for 82 games isn’t a walk in the park (to be fair, props to Vanek for the same), and Chris Neil isn’t going to just punch himself in the face—and Handsomest Sabre—I imagine those Green Team commercials were a welcome change from Veinsveinsveins and the Sweat Center, yes? A nomination for the Masterton Trophy and an invitation to the US World Championship Team came his way as a result of all his hard work. Perhaps more importantly, he’s now been officially canonized as Buffalo’s Working Class Hero. He’s like the new Chris Drury: this time with uncrossed eyes and a personality! What more could we want?
UPGRADE

#29 Jason Pominville If Spacek was this year’s greatest redemption, Pommerdoodle was its greatest revelation. It’s not like he suddenly became awesome, he just suddenly got to show how awesome he’s always been while most people were too busy paying attention to Briere. A year ago I didn’t much think about him, except as the puckbunnies’ darling and my mom’s age-inappropriate crush. Of course he was on my radar as a player who would need to step up and fill the Great Void left after July 1st, but I never expected a season like this. Pommerdoodle was the picture of work ethic and sportsmanship, rocking consistently, but quietly, all season long. He showed a vast amount of versatility, playing on both special teams units, and adapting his game to account for all those assists that departed with Briere. We narrowly missed seeing him showing off his skills as a defenseman when we had exhausted all of our call-up options near the end of the season, and when Lindy gave him the C in March, he proved he could rock fairly effortlessly at that, too. How long before he pulls on the goalie pads or gets a coaching job? I know I’m beginning to sound like a kindergarten teacher with all the praise, here, but such is the intense enthusiasm Pommers’ season inspired in me. He was simply an absolute joy to have on my team. A+!
UPGRADE

#30 Ryan Miller Poor, poor Crunchy. This time last year he was desperately trying to pile all of the Sabres onto his back and carry them single-handedly to the Finals. That was… heartbreaking, but awesome. This year he wasn’t quite so impressive, though it wasn’t all his fault. The general disaster area that was our defense for most of the year aside, our lack of a competent backup forced him into playing 76 games this year, and he’s no Marty Brodeur. Dude was down to mid-playoff weight a good two weeks before the end of the regular season! May I suggest we get a backup goalie we can confidently play before our number one guy completely disintegrates? Luckily for Crunchy, what he lost in hockey badassitude this season, he made up for in personality. Pre-season interviews saw Crunchy don his crankiest of cranky pants when talking about the ex-co-captains; mid-season he graced our TV screens in Amp commercials and Perry’s factory spots alike; he played the guitar and hosted a fashion show (sometimes both at once!); and now he’s writing a wonderfully charming playoff blog over at Maxim. Well played, indeed, Crunchy. If you can’t play like a superstar, at least distract us like a superstar.
UPGRADE

#35 Jocelyn Thibault Things started out so well for T-Bone and me. For starters, he’s a cutie. And he seemed to know what he was doing. Well. I’m not sure what happened there. But I miss Marty Biron even more now.
DOWNGRADE

#36 Patrick Kaleta Dude, I adore Patrick Kaleta. Not only do I have a soft spot for the hometown boys, but I also like to see an agitator who’s actually good at what he does. He’s compact, but he can hit, and it seems he might be developing some for-real hockey skills, too. Keep it up, kid!
UPGRADE

#37 Mike Ryan Well, at least he didn’t put it in his own net this year. I think that alone deserves an
UPGRADE

#38 Nathan Paetsch Last year I had a mostly inexplicable crush on Patches all season. It was born out of pity based on his sad draft history (originally drafted by the Caps in the second round in 2001, unsigned, and re-drafted by the Sabres in the seventh round in 2003), and tickled admiration based on anecdotes like Lindy strapping parachutes to his back, and Chara signing the dent in his helmet. Well, Patches, I’m cutting the apron strings. The time for cute/pathetic factoids getting you free passes to my affections has passed, and you’ve got to show me what you’re made of.
DOWNGRADE

#44 Andrej Sekera This time last year I didn't even know this kid’s name, but now it seems everyone’s talking about him. He’s another one of those players I didn’t really get a feel for, because I seem to have missed out on his best games, but if word on the street is true—that he got better and better the more games he played at the big show—then sign me up. Something tells me we’re going to need all the defensive help we can get.
UPGRADE

#45 Dmitri Kalinin It was another season of the same-old same-old for poor Tri. Everyone willfully looked the other way when he succeeded, and got out their best pointing fingers when he failed. As for me, I feel just as bad for him now as I did a year ago.
EVEN

#55 Jochen Hecht *Happy sigh* There’s only one player who brought me more delight this season than Pommerdoodle, and that was Yo-Yo. A little less than a year ago, I finally gave in and admitted what had been true for a long time: Jochen Hecht is indeed my favorite player. He rewarded my declaration with pretty much the best season I could have asked for. He put my fretting mind to rest in the early going, extending his contract by four years quickly and cleanly, and then, against all common sense, started playing better once his future Sabre-ness had been secured. He and Pommers worked together to help each other through the absence of Briere, and though Yo-Yo continued his impossibly endearing habit of aiming for posts and goalie’s chest protectors, he was also finding the back of the net. In the midst of this season’s dank doldrums of mediocrity, Yo-Yo’s steady march toward his first 20-goal season was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. His 20th goal, in that awesome comeback game against Tampa, was the uncontested highlight of my season. But I wasn’t the only one who was noticing. He wore a letter in every month of this season, including the C twice, once as voted on by the players. And then it comes out that he’d been secretly playing, without a word of complaint, with an injured wrist since January. Man. My love knows no bounds, what can I say? It may have been a pretty sucky season to be a Sabres fan, but it was an awesome season to be a Hecht fan.
UPGRADE, WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN THINK WAS POSSIBLE

#56 Steve Bernier Big Bear, I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but I like the cut of your jib. You may not have made a big impression on me this season, but you’re big, you’re young, and you’re hella cute. I think you have a future ahead of you. Plus, anyone who helped us get rid of Soupy is a friend of mine.
UPGRADE

#61 Maxim Afinogenov Oh, God. Max is both incredibly maddening and maddeningly incredible, and when he’s on he may just be the most entertaining player to watch in the entire NHL, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch him when he’s off. Especially when he’s coming off of a season where he was more incredible than maddening and seemed to have everything figured out. I have to admit, half of me is hoping he can find the magic again, the other half wants him to make himself at home in that dumpster I reserved for Spacek last year.
DOWNGRADE

#76 Andrew Peters Poopers.
DOWNGRADE

Well, looked at in this light, the season doesn't seem so painful after all! 15 upgrades, a couple of them some pretty delightful epiphanies, and only 7 downgrades, not including the most violent downturn, which I don’t have to worry about anymore. (Please stay in the WC, Soupy!) See what I mean about the season not being a waste? Sometimes it's fun being a hockey fan, even when it's not.

Sigh.

Well, if that 10-1 win over Atlanta was indeed a springboard, I want to know who's smart idea it was to put the springboard next to a cliff. Seriously, Sabres, the Leafs? The Leafs?! They're, like, the one team in the Conference who's more effed up than we are. Who are you going to lose to next? The Coyotes? (Please, please, please, don't answer that.) I can't talk about this game, obviously, but I really feel like blogging today, so let's move on to something else.

Brian Campbell. Panic has been widespread ever since Soupy announced he was cutting off contract negotiations with the Sabres until the end of the season. We've got some serious PTSD issues in this city, not like that's anything new, and they're showing early this year, as the flip-outs have started before anyone's actually gone anywhere. Personally, the argument that Soupy's worth top dollar, because that's what the Red Wings are paying Rafalski, or that's what the Leafs are paying McCabe, does little to sway me. (Seriously, let's emulate Toronto's business decisions. That seems like a good idea.) My opinions about the player aside (suffice to say they've taken a dramatic nosedive in the last couple of months), it seems pretty clear to me that this contract isn't a question of market value, it's a question of budget. In respect to the rest of the league, is $6 mil too much for a defenseman of Soupy's caliber? No. In respect to the amount of money the Sabres have already tied up in other players, or will need to tie up in other players sometime in the near future, is it too much? In my opinion, yes. Contrary to popular belief, the cap isn't going to keep rising every season for the next ten years (if it does, we're in deep trouble), and even so, you can bet that B. Tom and co. aren't going to stretch the Sabres' individual budget much more. So there's a reckoning going on in the Sabres front office right now. Who do we keep? Of course Ryan Miller is the name that comes up first and most often when this discussion gets started, but there's another name that I think, while maybe not as important, deserves mentioning.

Jason Pominville. The great number of #29 jerseys I saw at the Ice Bowl (most of them, shockingly, on men) would suggest otherwise, but I think Pommerdoodle sometimes gets taken for granted by fans. He certainly took a verbal bashing this summer, when everyone was convinced that without Briere he would turn into a pile of puke. On a roster full of expensive disappointments (Vanek) and perpetually injured let-downs (Connolly), Pommers hasn't been getting a lot of credit for quietly and consistently meeting expectations. It may or may not shock you to learn that he currently leads the team in points. I know it surprised me. Sure, the population of Pominville seems to have suffered some crazy murder/suicide rates (But, really, can you blame them? Soupy might not re-sign! Who could live at a time like this?), but he's leading all forwards in assists, and is only two away from tying the overall leader, Campbell. Maybe he has suffered a little without Briere, but instead of turning into a pile of puke, he's adapted his game, and that's always a sign of a valuable player. Outside of his offensive stats, he's one of our best two-way forwards, I would say only behind Hecht, a quality which always goes undernoticed and undervalued. He's also somewhat of an Ironmanboy, as my mom would say. As far as I can tell, though I'm not the world's best researcher, he's only missed a total of 13 games due to injury in his whole pro hockey career, all in the AHL. Not bad for a kid who's only 6'0" and 186 lbs. Add on top of everything the fact that Lindy clearly respects and appreciates him, and that he's found a linemate with whom he shares great chemistry (Yo-Yo + Pommers = BFFLTDDUP!), and you've got yourself a player definitely worth keeping around. Now, is he a player worth breaking your bank on? Maybe not, but he's certainly not a player who should be kicked aside so you can break your bank on a guy like Campbell. At least in my opinion.

How could you possibly kick that face aside? Poor puppy.

Maybe I've just been spending too much time listening to my mom, but I've had serious warm and fuzzy feelings about Pommer recently.

Good boy, Pommerdoodle! Now stop drooling on the ice.

While I'm here, I may as well mention this list of the ten worst suggestions someone could possibly make to the NHL. The whole thing is worth a click and a laugh, but here are two highlights:

10. One referee only. Admit it, it was more fun when these guys got away with murder ''behind the play''.

Yeah, the NHL is already the worst and least-consistently officiated pro sports league in the world, why not make a full joke out of it? Ugh.

4. European quotas. OK, guilty, report me to the Xenophobia Hotline. All I know is, other than prime European talent, North American crowds more easily identify with homeboys rather than the vast faceless talents from Russia, Finland, Sweden, et al. On a nightly roster of 18 skaters and two goalies, mandate that a total of 17 must be North American-born. Overall talent level will drop, but that only will open up the game. Bobby Orr and Bobby Hull skated around a lot of tomato cans, and it was great entertainment.

Worst idea in the history of ideas. Any Buffalo fan will tell you that less Max Afinogenov and more Andrew Peters is exactly what this league needs to inspire more interest. Not! Really, I can't even come up with words for how dumb this suggestion is. Out of curiosity, though, if this rule went into effect tomorrow, which three Europeans do you think the Sabres would keep? I'd say keep Vanek, Tallinder and Hecht, though they'd probably keep Vanek, Tallinder, and Afinogenov, or Vanek, Tallinder, and Spacek. (Sorry, Yo-Yo! That's why it's the worst idea in the history of ideas!)

Gambler's Hard-Hotting Preseason Analysis

With the new season bearing steadily but slowly (this last week will take forever, mark my words) down upon us, I think it’s time I turn my attention, as most bloggers do at this time, to the important business of showcasing what lies ahead for my team. Now I know many a more serious hockey blogger than I will be going over the Sabres’ key losses and additions this off-season (well, the losses anyway), predicting who will step up, where the points will come from, and how we will fare compared to the rest of the division, conference, and league. All across Sabres fandom, people want to know, “How good will we be?” But there’s an equally-important question that I think most people won’t be addressing, though many people might be wondering: “How hot will we be?” And that’s where I come in. (Forgive me.)

Okay, forget Drury and Briere. (Please, please forget them.) In terms of hotness, those losses were minor compared to the great crimes committed by this organization over the past two years. I remember thinking, as the camera panned down the line of Sabres during the pre-game anthems of the 2006 Eastern Conference Finals, “If that is not the prettiest team in all of sports, I’ll eat my hat.” (Of course, that could have had a little to do with the fact that when I was treated to the same view of the Hurricanes, all I could think was, “Dear Lord, what threw up on Rod Brind’Amour, and how can I keep it from coming after me, too?”) Since then, major puzzle pieces of the pretty like Taylor Pyatt, JP Dumont, Mike Grier, Jay McKee, and Marty Biron have walked out the door, and we’ve let replacement back-up hottie Ty Conklin and subtle supermodel Dainius Zubrus slip through our fingers as well, with their true hotness potential barely realized. And who’s been brought in to offset all of these losses? Jaroslav Spacek. Pa-thetic. Between this and the recent suspension of Teppo Numminen, it’s like the Sabres don’t want to be hot, despite their shameless assumption of billboard-sized glamour shots as a marketing strategy. But in the end, how do all of these losses shake out? Where are we left? Well, let’s take a look, on a player-by-player basis:

(Note: I’ve arbitrarily decided that an official nickname is required in order to be included in this most prestigious hard-hotting analysis. As you’ll notice, some are generally known and widely-used, others are recognizable only if you know which are the cool parts of the internet to hang out in, and the rest were all made up in my head, for my own enjoyment. Please excuse the crazy.)

#5 Toni “TMT” Lydman Toni is like a mystery, wrapped in a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in my mom’s haircut. Just when I think I know what he looks like, he goes and changes it up on me. He definitely doesn’t scream hot (I'm not 100% sure that second picture really is him), but I have to give him credit for his fashion fearlessness.

#6 Jaroslav “Jarlsberg Swiss” Spacek Considering I gave him this nickname when I decided that his head bears a striking resemblance to a cube of cheese, the answer here is definitely not hot. Although his interviews, wherein he takes on the English language with all the speed and destructive force of a tornado, almost make up the difference.

#9 Derek “Dr Jesus” Roy By all rights, Roy, definitely shorter than his listed 5’9”, should be in the “cute as a button” category, living out his days as the imaginary tenant of fans’ pockets. But no, Derek is hot. The kind of hot that makes you want to use names like “punk,” “asshole,” and “bastard" affectionately. He’s a pretty boy who certainly knows it, cocky and mouthy, but somehow in a way that only enhances his attractiveness instead of putting you off. You’d never admit to actually liking this type of hot, but that doesn’t mean you can help it whenever you find yourself drawn in by it. (Don’t worry, you can just pretend you’re staring at his awesome silver skates instead.)

#10 Henrik “Tally” Tallinder Long, lean, and the image of grace on skates, Hank brings the classy-hot to the Sabres lineup. In addition to typically Scandanavian good looks and a jaw line stolen from a top fashion magazine, he has an easy smile, and an adorable set of dimples. More importantly, his hotness seems subtle enough to fly under the radar of the more, shall we say, singularly boy-crazy set of fans. The only downside to Hank is that he’s so prone to injury that his Tally-Hos are often required to go long stretches without seeing his hotness in motion. And the withdrawal symptoms, I’m told, can be quite damaging.

#12 Ales “Super Freak” Kotalik Last spring I was procrastinatingly cruising Facebook in lieu of writing a paper, when I stumbled upon the group titled “... and on the Seventh Day, God Created Daniel Radcliffe and Ales Kotalik.” For a moment, my world stood completely still. Confronted with evidence that such a group actually exists—and worse, has members (more than one!)—my brain didn’t know where to start laughing first. Okay, declaring your love for a 17-year-old kid who will one day be 40 and still best known as a children’s book character is one thing. Simultaneously (and irrelevantly) declaring your love for an NHL player is another. But having that NHL player be Al Kotalik? Really? Her? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Super Freak looks like a pile of puke, but when he’s playing like a pile of puke, who has time to notice? To his credit, he would look completely at home in a period film about the 19^th century, which as everyone knows was the century of hot. Unfortunately for him, though, he would probably be playing the high-brow politico character that the female lead desperately doesn’t want to marry, and would be therefore way less hot than the actual love interest, and no one would notice him. Sorry, Al.

#19 Tim “Timbit” Connolly Timmy has a face as round and doughy as the donut I’ve nicknamed him for. It’s a good thing chipmunk cheeks, overlarge teeth, and slightly inbred facial features suit him, otherwise we’d have two very good reasons to want to see him in a visor. As it stands, he definitely gets top marks for looks, if not for smarts. Seriously Timmy, tighten the chinstrap, get a mouth guard, and for God’s sake keep your head up. Vegetables are never hot.

#20 Daniel “Shovel” Paille I’ve never noticed whether or not Paille is hot, so must be he’s not. (I’d make a great investigatory journalist.)

#21 Drew “Staffy Stomp!” Stafford Staffy’s alluring perma-scowl and strangely beguiling unibrow bring the term “ugly hot” to a whole new level. Seriously, he has the kind of face that could give small children nightmares, while still somehow managing a certain appeal. I think if he were a contestant on America’s Next Top Model, he would be the “fierce” and “edgy” one, the one who wins Tyra’s praise week in and week out, until it comes time to shoot the Cover Girl commercial, and his look is revealed for the train wreck that it is. Sorry, Staffy, but you’re just not easy, breezy, or beautiful. You’d best stick to hockey.

#22 Adam “Scud” Mair Mair’s hotness has nothing to do with Top Model. It has, shockingly, everything to do with hockey. In a state of perfect health, though there are many other things I love about him, Mair’s not much too write home about in the looks department. With rugged, masculine features, he’s certainly not unattractive—just ordinary looking. But get him a little bruised and banged up (as he is wont to do in his line of work), and he becomes a veritable fountain of sexiness. He proves that the purple blossom of a black eye or the scarlet trickle from a minor temporal gash can be the perfect accessory for the hockey player looking to up his hot status. I salute you, Bloody Mairsy, for making looking like shit look so good.

#26 Thomas “BK Lounge” Vanek Vanek can look like this. Unfortunately, most of the time he looks like this. It’s a shame, really. (But, hey, apparently it could be worse.) He may have led the league in +/- last year, but his hotness level sticks resolutely to zero, neither here nor there, adding very little to this conversation.

#27 Teppo “Teppoware” Numminen Okay, I’ll admit I was once part of the “Ew, Teppo” camp, but only because I was so blinded by his branding as an ancient old man that I never actually took the time to look at him. But once I did, it is safe to say I ew-ed no more. Teppo Numminen is an undeniably sexy beast. He takes the kind of adjectives usually reserved for old-fashioned movie stars, like “suave” and “debonair,” and brings them to life for a new generation. I wish him a speedy—but complete!—recovery from his recently successful open-heart surgery, so that he can get back to playing like a leader on the ice, and looking like a model off it.

#28 Paul “Goose” Gaustad Goose looks like what every girl grew up dreaming her prom date would look like. He’s classically handsome in a non-threatening, boy-next-door kind of way, but avoids the curse of being too pretty, in part by punching guys like Alex Ovechkin in the face. On top of this, he wears glasses and records PSAs about reading. Pretty, sensitive, but still tough, Goose can do no wrong.

#29 Jason “Pommerdoodle” Pominville Pommerdoodle is like the Justin Timberlake of the Sabres. (Not to be confused with the Justin Timberlake of the Kings.) From a purely aesthetic standpoint, I understand that he’s hot, but personally he just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe it’s the fact that he shares most of his fanbase with Fall Out Boy, or that a summer spent at Interchangeable Parts has left me irrevocably associating him with a labradoodle puppy, or that my mom—my mom!—has had a picture of him hanging in our kitchen for the past year, but I’m just not going to be jumping on the Pommer wagon anytime soon. But, if that’s your style, I’ll grant it’s a legitimate wagon to be on. Unless you’re my mom.

#30 Ryan “Crunchy” Miller How Miller managed to gain a devoted following of swooning adolescent girls is one of the great mysteries of the universe. He looks, as Margee from SportSquee so brilliantly put it, like the love child of a Picasso and a Dali. But I suppose if emaciated hipster guys with womanly locks and crooked faces are your personal definition of hot (which, for my sister, happens to be true), then it doesn’t really get any hotter than Crunchy.

#35 Jocelyn “T-Bone” Thibault Coming off a long period of employing the ever-sexy and eternally lovable Marty Biron, the Sabres have a recent history with hot back-up goaltenders. T-Bone seems ready to carry on the tradition. I haven’t really seen anything of him besides his roster photo, but he shows definite promise.

#38 Nathan “Patches” Paetsch I’m really looking forward to watching Patches grow into his hotness this year. All the elements are at his disposal—a nice smile, large puppy-ish eyes, and an expression of general intensity out on the ice. He just needs to start owning it, and learn to stay away from the scarecrow hair.

#45 Dmitri “Tri” Kalinin Intensely shy and eternally too unsure of his English skills to do many interviews, Tri lacks the required confidence that is the cornerstone of any hotness, regardless of physical appearance. He does, however, have the Sabres market on sorrowful adorableness cornered. It can be explained by a simple series of mathematical correlations: As Kalinin’s on-ice inconsistencies approach infinity, the griping from Sabres fandom also approaches infinity. As the griping approaches infinity, Kalinin’s self-confidence approaches zero. As his self-confidence approaches zero, my perception of him as a poor lost puppy in need of some TLC approaches infinity, to the point that I can’t help but construe everything he says—his desperately earnest wish to do something great as part of the Russian national team, his giddily obvious enjoyment of Dumb and Dumber—as the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.

#51 Brian “Soupy” Campbell There’s no way around the fact that Regular Season Soupy looks like a drowned Raggedy Anne doll. But Post-Season Soupy, with thick russet beard on full display, is just a sleeveless flannel shirt away from achieving that sexy lumberjack look. I think it’s pretty clear, apparently to everyone except Soupy himself, that he needs to invest in some full-time facial hair cultivation. Regardless of the scruffy factor, though, Soupy will always be adorable as long as he continues to show off that 100-watt smile of his.

#55 Jochen “Yo-Yo” Hecht I’m ashamed to admit that I overlooked the hot side of Yo-Yo for far too long, even after I found the courage to declare him my favorite Sabre. His is a subtle hotness. It doesn’t necessarily jump out at you, but it doesn’t disappoint, either. He doesn’t have some of the hit-or-miss inconsistencies, or the vain, preening qualities to which some of his teammates fall victim. His simple variety of handsomeness is alternately sweet and steamy, but always on the mark.

#61 Maxim “Max” Afinogenov What Max lacks in creative nicknames, he makes up for in Faye Dunaway impressions. I'm sure he’s very comforted by the fact that long after his career in the NHL is over, he’ll be able to keep putting food on the table as a celebrity impersonator in Vegas. What I’m getting at here, in case you couldn’t tell, is that Max has a very delicate, almost feminine bone structure. And, while it certainly sets him apart from the average Joe, it doesn’t quite make him hot, instead landing him somewhere in the neutral quagmire between “striking” and “interesting-looking.” (Which everyone knows are just fancy ways of saying “not hot.”) All that goes out the window, though, the second he opens his mouth. In an acoustic embodiment of sex, Max speaks with a deep tonal quality that it seems can’t possibly be his own, the smoothness of a chocolate milkshake poured over velvet, and a Russian accent that will undress you where you stand. He doesn’t do interviews terribly often, but when he does, beware: he takes no prisoners.

#76 Andrew “Gund” Peters Peters looks as plush and cuddly as a Gund Bear, and is about as useful on the ice. Under no circumstances should he be considered hot, but certain fans, it seems, won’t let that stop them.

Conclusion: Surprisingly, if I were actually professional enough to do a real season preview, wherein I discuss these guys’ potential talent instead of (or more probably in addition to) their looks, I think this post would still be ending the same way: We may not be on top anymore, but we’ve still got it. Go Sabres!