The Sabres got the Blues, but I don't have to

Well, that was a pretty awful series of games. Following an uninspired win against the Blues with an un-boring but completely frustrating loss to the Bluejackets, isn't exactly my definition of fun times. So what's a fan to do to entertain herself when her hockey team fails to come through for her? Not to mention, what's a blogger fighting to get back in the game supposed to write about when the only complete sentences that come to mind about hockey are creative death threats? Why, it's one of my favorite pastimes: Making fun of hockey names!

I'm pretty sure that at least half the Blues' roster is made up. The fact my most dominant memory of Wednesday night's game (aside from Hank Tallinder, newest Wiggle, of course) is of me shouting at my screen "There's no way that's a real person!" every time the name Pietrangelo was mentioned, probably tells you all you need to know about that game. But, seriously, Pietrangelo? That's totally not a real name. Just take a second to say it out loud. Pietrangelo. It's like saying the word "eleventybillion." It just feels false on the tongue, like someone squished two different last names together to make a nonsense last name. Also, as much as his name was mentioned in the play-by-play--which was relatively frequently, since I was forced into watching the St. Louis feed--I never actually got visual confirmation. Amongst the numerous close-up shots, I never once got one of the name "Pietrangelo" on the back of a jersey. Furthermore, the name is nowhere to be found on the Blues' roster page. Very suspicious. I'm pretty convinced that the Blues announcer came into this game with an incomplete roster list, panicked when a player touched the puck whose name he didn't know, and blurted out the first name that popped into his head. Unfortunately, that "name" was Pietrangelo, so now not only does everyone know that he's bad at his job, but also that he sucks at making up names. That's not the only suspect name, though. There's also this "Hinote" character, if that really is his name. Unlike Pietrangelo, this one was supported by visual evidence, so at least I know it's not just in the imagination of the announcer. But still. I'm supposed to believe that someone named Hinote completely coincidentally plays for the Blues, where he gets to wear a musical note on his chest every game? I don't think so. I'm a big fan of nominative determinism, but how do I know there isn't some Chad Ocho Cinco-esque name change action going on here? Add in the fact that "Polak" is apparently pronounced like the Polish slur and not like Jackson the painter, and I can't trust that anyone's name is real. At this point, I'm willing to bet that "Blues" itself is a completely fabricated title.

The Bluejackets also have entertaining names, but for different reasons. First of all, there are those names that completely caught me off guard. The first time Commodore was mentioned, I had to double check that we weren't playing Ottawa. (Serves me right for spacing out during the off-season, although it didn't freak me out nearly as much as realizing Darcy Tucker is all of the sudden in Colorado. When did that happen?) And the first time Novotny was mentioned I had to double check that we weren't playing a team from somewhere off the face of the earth, which is where I imagined Jiri fell when he left the Sabres. Of course, they also have a universally silly name in Tyutin, and a universally bitchin' name in Chimera, but the one that entertained me the most was Huselius, for the way it fit into the play-by-play call. "Huselius," when spoken, at least by RJ, sounds an awful lot like "his alias," which became particularly funny to me in the phrase "Afinogenov is intercepted by Huselius!" Me: "It's like Spy vs. Spy!" I think it may be the first time a Max interception has ever made me laugh. Also, unrelated to names, but am I the only one who thinks Pascal Leclaire looks a bit like a werewolf? A little fake fur and he and Staffy could have some kickin' haunted house Halloween parties.

Anyway, Sabres, do you see what you do to me (and this blog) when you force me to draw entertainment from something other than the brilliance of your play? Please play better against Pittsburgh tonight. I know it's probably too much to ask, but there's nothing for me to work with on that roster of names. The "Satan should be traded to the Devils" line is practically older than Teppo, you know?