12 to Remember: Buffalo vs. Philadelphia 10/17/06

Oooh, this week we’re up close and personal with Kevin Sylvester and his collection of hockey jerseys. No more of that wide-angle shit, those dimples are ready for their close-ups!

I’m dismayed to hear this game aired on Versus, but then Kevin tells us that we’ll be hearing the Jeanneret/Lorentz radio broadcast dubbed over. Yay! And, yeah, didn’t I say they could do that, like, a month ago?

First Period
--Once again, it’s really, really dark. What gives MSG? But at least the sound levels seem okay.
18:45 Just as I was despairing at the amount of “Briere”s and “Drury”s being tossed about, RJ throws in an “Umberger” and I go to my Brian Campbell-induced happy place. Yeah, that’s nice.
17:28 The RAV line does some nifty transition play that ends with Teppo getting a good open shot which deflects wide. And then Vanek levels Forsberg in the corner. See? You get the slag-faced ones off the ice and the magic just starts flowing.
16:58 Mair jumps on a wide-open puck and gets a couple of good scoring chances by just sticking with the play. Give that guy a letter, already.
16:22 Okay, this is funny. Jim starts talking about Mair’s play, but obviously the Versus guys are still stuck on the Vanek/Forsberg hit, as we’re seeing replay footage and dramatic close-ups of those two guys. I’m with Lorentz on this one. The Mair shots were more exciting.
15:39 Briere’s line gets some good offensive movement, but it should be noted that it’s Jochen and Pommer doing all the work. (Yes, the rose colored glasses are firmly in place. Deal with it.)
15:12 Spurred on by all of the media attention his last hit garnered, Vanek gets check-happy and makes a run at Esche. It’s… pretty ineffectual.
14:33 Some beautiful chances courtesy of Afinogenov’s strong skating and—is that Kotalik in Vanek’s spot? I hope Thomas didn’t injure himself trying to check too hard.
13:12 Drury does some good stuff, but I pretend it doesn’t happen. Instead I’ll point out that if the Flyers have taken a single shot in this game, then I haven’t seen it.
12:44 Mair gets called for something or another. Looks like Versus is back to it’s old tricks of not showing us penalties. Joy of joys. Instead they’re showing us that Vanek hit again. We get it! It was good! Move on!
12:12 On the power play, the Flyers get what I can only guess is their first shot of the night, but Miller is somehow still awake enough to make the save.
11:45 After Roy makes a steal at the blueline, he and Pominville break in on a shorthanded 2-on-1, but the puck doesn’t settle down enough for Pommer to set up Derek and instead he crashes into the backboards in a squirmy mess of legs. Aww, what a puppy.
10:56 Vanek makes the Flyers’ power play look stupid as he nonchalantly steals the puck and takes a shot from the point. Gosh, but this is an awful power play.
10:45 Teppo says “C’mon Philly, give us something we can chew on!” and takes a hooking penalty. There will be 2 seconds of 5-on-3 action with Mair and Numminen in the box.
10:34 Mair rushes out of the box just in time to grab a cleared puck and almost score short handed. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Versus guys start talking about that Vanek hit again.
9:55 Hecht just can’t get a pass to Drury in front. That’s okay, Yo-Yo. He doesn’t deserve your passes, anyway.
9:32 Jim says the Sabres are “on the top of their game” penalty-killing-wise. You’re right, Jim. It’s definitely all downhill from here. He also says they’re averaging 18 penalty minutes per game so far in the season. That’s… disgusting.
8:51 Miller holds the puck for the first time in the game as he makes a save with what RJ calls “plenty of traffic in front of him.” And by traffic, I can only assume he means Kalinin’s big fat caboose.
8:00 Uh, oh. It’s the power play. My usual special-teams disgust is multiplied by the fact that Drury and Briere are out on the ice at the same time.
7:51 Thankfully Spacek takes pity on me and ends the power play by hauling down a breaking Richards. Thanks, Jaro! Wait, scratch that. It’s a penalty shot, instead. Richards tries to go way wide on Miller, but loses control of the puck. You’d think the players would have figured it out by now: if you really want to score, go back to the blueline and take a soft shot. Those are his kryptonite.
6:00 The power play gets some lovely, lovely pressure on, but unfortunately no one can finish. Especially not Spacek who sent the puck across the goal line, behind Esche, after Jochen set him up beautifully. Oh well, it could be worse. Briere or Drury could have scored.
5:12 After Max gets the puck right in front of the net, but just fails to beat Esche, RJ officially declares the Philadelphia defense non-existent. You heard it here first, folks!
4:00 Coming back from commercial, there are now four minutes left in the period, it’s 4-on-4 and Roy and Mair are on the ice at the same time. It feels like MSG should have accompanied this awkward cut with a soundtrack of that one Talking Heads song. You know the one: “How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife…” etc. etc.
2:32 Again with the awkward cuts! After Miller deflects the puck out of play, Jim’s statement of “Another big stop by Ryan Miller” blends “seamlessly” into “Now Drury will take this draw,” as the face-off is taken. MSG did you think we wouldn’t even notice? It’s the off-season! I need all of the precious seconds of skating-around, setting-up-for-the-draw time I can get, damn you!
2:06 Forsberg muscles his way into a scrum and sends both Kotalik and Novotny flying with one hit. In my mind, the Versus guys start in with the “Vanek is so skilled for being able to hit that guy effectively,” spiel again.
0:55 Poor Jochen. He tries so hard to catch up with the puck on a break, but just ends up getting knocked on his behind for his trouble.
0:00 Time runs out just as Teppo thinks long and hard about fighting Umberger. Don’t do it Teppo! I have to say, this was an exciting period, but it’s still 0-0. Where are those nine goals I was promised, huh?

Second Period
--Kevin informs us that the Sabres out-shot the Flyers 12-9 in the first. Really? Is that all? I think the stat guy accidentally wrote down about six or so of those in the Philly column.
--Also, I was going to just comment on how Kevin is looking a little chubby in the face, but then I realized I just have my TV on stretch mode. Sorry, Kevin!
19:34 Aww, Versus gives us a shot of Marty on the bench. I almost wish I could listen to what they’re saying about him.
19:23 Vanek scores! On his own rebound after Numminen feeds him in front. All this after Max gunned it down the ice after a defensive draw. Buffalo, watch this play. We’re going to be just fine. A shot of Vanek on the bench shows him grinning like a loon. I love it.
18:58 Tallinder dives onto the ice and intercepts a crease-bound pass. Awesome move. Not only that, but he manages to hold on to possession long enough to get up and move it out of the zone. Philly, that’s what defense looks like. Just in case you were wondering.
17:34 We get, literally, a 15 second shot of Vanek on the bench talking to Max and Roy. I know he scored and everything, but if this love-fest continues I’m going to have to ask the Versus broadcasters what their intentions are. Hey Versus, since you already love him so much, think you could help us out with some of his $10 million paycheck next year?
16:15 Hecht drops Pitkanen in the corner. It’s so adorable. All I can imagine is Jochen lisping “Take that!” Ahem… Briere has been doing some pretty neat things here, but none of them ends in a goal, so that means he sucks.
15:33 Lydman is called for tripping, which is odd. As far as I can tell, he wasn’t on the ice. Of course that may just be because Versus is showing an irrelevant replay of Hecht spectacularly blowing a scoring chance. Oh well, at least it’s not Vanek scratching his nose, or something.
--Okay, now the banner on the screen is saying Chris Drury was called for tripping, even though we can clearly see Toni's number 5 in the box. Versus, YOU SUCK!
13:33 That power play made the Sabres’ PK look good. I don’t think I need to say more than that.
11:09 Philly takes a penalty, and so the Sabres are getting their chance on the PP. No, wait, it’ll be four-a-side? The Flyers spent the past minute of play with the man advantage and I didn’t even notice? I love this game!
10:11 After Miller makes a sharp save, there’s some sort of hooking infraction called and in four seconds the Flyers will be two men short. This is going to be awesome.
10:00 It’s now officially half-way through the game and it’s still just 1-0. I know there’s still plenty of scoring to come, but honestly, how is it not 53-0 right now? This team is awful!
9:50 As if to prove my point, Spacek scores. On the power play. Philly, that’s just sad. Seriously, though, this goal is a beauty. Jaro gets a great feed from some hobbit guy down low and blasts it in on a one-timer. He still needs to score about twenty more of those, though, if he wants to earn his $3 million keep.
8:37 The good news? There’s another power play goal. The bad news? It was scored pretty much single-handedly by the slag-faced twins. I can just forget about that one, can’t I? 8-1 is just as impressive as 9-1, right?
--As the camera pans in on good old Section 106, I’m reminded that my dad was in fact at this game. I decide the green amorphous blob among the other multi-colored amorphous blobs is him. Hi, Dad!
--Oh, no. A replay of the goal shows Drury stopping in the middle of his celebration to apologize to the Flyer he accidentally jumped on. I really, really wish I could love him for that. This hurts.
7:09 Kalinin makes a smart 1-on-1 defensive move. Looks like everyone is trying to show how tremendously existent the Sabres D is tonight.
6:48 Miller spears a shot by Gagne. It’s probably just my imagination, but he seemed terribly bored while doing so.
6:16 Someone falls like a sprawling puppy to the ice. Obviously Pommer.
6:04 Campbell’s called for tripping. Wake me up when the “power” play is over.
5:48 Turns out that was a short nap, because some Flyer gets called for something. Color me surprised.
5:04 Roy scores on the backhand, after RJ has some fun calling the gorgeous “Vanek, to Roy, to Vanek, to Roy” action. I expect to be hearing a lot of that next season. Versus sours the moment by showing Briere on the bench. Leave the hobbit out of this, Versus! Show us that Vanek hit again, if you must. Anything but that.
3:28 Tallinder scores! Oh boy, that was pretty. A shot from the point that went into the net completely clean. Jim tries to tell us that it was tipped in by Vanek, but we all know the truth. Hank’s goal is pure.
2:34 Afinogenov scores on a lightning-fast coast-to-coast play. Between Max’s skating and the heinous Flyers orange, the defenders look exactly like pylons. Sweet. Max’s goal celebration entails falling down and hitting his head on the boards. I think that one needs a little work.
1:55 Whoa. Whoa! Whoa. Did Peters really just steal the puck in the slot? And get a genuine scoring chance? Andrew Peters? If you’re a Flyer right now, you’re not just questioning your defense, you’re questioning your life.
1:05 Miller hasn’t done anything in so long, he’s forgotten how to play goal. He just kind of ineffectually sits down instead of trying to save the puck. Fortunately, the Flyers suck too much to score.
0:00 As we head to intermission, I think RJ and Jim try to tell us that the Flyers have one more shot on goal than we do. I must have heard that wrong. That’s just… not possible.

Third Period
19:20 Hah! The hobbit does a gorgeous swan dive down to the ice. I could watch that one over and over again. And I do.
18:38 Okay, Miller has obviously fallen asleep. He’s sort of camped out in front of the crease for no reason, and someone in orange scores with a really easy shot from just inside the blueline. This is about seventeen and a half minutes before Miller usually decides to ruin his shutouts, so obviously something is wrong.
18:12 More beautiful play by the RAV line gives Roy a wide-open net to score on, and he doesn’t miss. Oh, I guess it’s not the playoffs, then. I’m kidding, Derek! I love you! Please sign a contract for not lots of money!
16:39 Novotny scores on a clean shot from in front. Okay, Philly, the joke’s over. You can start playing now. It was really funny, but this is getting ridiculous.
16:13 RJ says he thinks that after this game the Flyers will have to agree with the praise the Sabres got from Jaromir Jagr and the Rangers. I suspect they might be far too busy crying themselves to sleep.
15:05 Vanek scores another one! Max feeds him in front, and he just kind of lazily pokes it into the net. His goal celebration looks like it consists of rolling his eyes and muttering, “Honestly!”
--Versus gives us a shot of Philly’s backup goaltender. Uh, I think it’s a little too late for that, fellas. Too bad they don’t have any backup skaters they could put out.
14:42 The fans are chanting “We want ten!” Yeah, yeah, you want a Cup, too. Always with the demands, Buffalo.
14:06 Apparently Forsberg just punched Peters in the face to get him back for a clean open ice hit. Peters has a priceless “Are you kidding me?” look on his face. RJ declares that the Flyers have “lost it.” Rick, they’ve not only lost it, they’ve forgotten they even had it. Have I mentioned how much I love this game?
13:05 RJ says, “No one is watching this clock more than the Philadelphia bench. Trust me.” By this point I think they’ve just given up hope that this game is ever ending, since they figure they’ve just died and gone to Purgatory.
12:07 I’m wondering why this power play sucks so much, but then I realize it’s because Mair, Goose, and Peters are out on it. Now Lindy, that’s just rubbing it in! Awesome.
11:21 What? The Flyers have 31 shots? That seems impossible. Well, at least we know they won’t be using the “We can’t score, if we don’t shoot” excuse later. They’ll just have to settle for saying “We can’t score…” and letting their voices trail off.
9:42 Max dances in and tries to score. As much as the Flyers have sucked tonight, I have to admit Esche hasn’t been as bad as the nine goals suggest. Most of those beat him because of crazy fancy set-ups that his skaters never should have allowed to happen.
8:27 Tallinder gets pummeled along the boards. Hey Philly, Hank is not a stress ball! Take your frustrations out somewhere else!
7:31 Mair has another beautiful scoring chance. He’s really been on tonight. Why couldn’t he have scored instead of Drury?
5:49 This game has quickly devolved into a routine of “Sabres skate in unmolested, almost score three or four times, then Flyers try to take it in to their offensive zone and promptly lose it.” Rinse and repeat.
4:15 Jochen makes a great steal in the neutral zone, but I don’t pay attention to what happens next. I’ll just assume Briere give it away. Stupid hobbit! Ruining all my Yo-Yo’s hard work!
3:23 Peters wants to see what this whole scoring goals thing is all about. The Flyers almost let him.
0:46 Between Lindy trying to up the fourth line’s ice time, and get Vanek and Roy a hat trick, I haven’t seen the slag-faced whores in a while. Just how I like it.
0:00 After the clock runs out, we see Esche can’t possibly get to the dressing room fast enough. He’s pretty much elbowing people out of the way. I almost feel sorry for him. What we don’t see is Briere going up to the Flyers bench and saying, “You’ve really convinced me that you’re committed to winning. Any chance you have lots of money and need a number one center?” Idiot.

Okay, I’m feeling good. This game was just what I needed. It was light on the co-captains and heavy on the Roy line. And it was obscenely fun to watch the Flyers unravel like that. Schadenfreude is the best medicine! Next up? The Bruins.