A good playoff beard is a hockey player's greatest weapon. It can be at once wild-man crazy, and fuzzy-bunny cuddly, simultaneously intimidating to opponents, and endearing to fans. In the Stanley Cup playoffs, a commitment to facial hair is tantamount to a commitment to winning, and it separates the men from the boys in a literal, hormonal sense. While I know there's some dispute about whether or not the best team won the 2007 Cup (mostly from embittered fans of the teams the Ducks left maimed and bloodied along their road to victory), I don't think anyone can claim that Scott Niedermayer's beard deserved anything less than a championship. And the Conn Smythe to boot! The thing was a hockey work of art, an entity in and of itself. To blatantly steal from some unknown internet source: if you shaved it off and put it on skates, it would go around blocking shots on its own. Thick, wizened, and completely transformative, it was everything a great playoff beard should be.
The Sabres are a notoriously weakly-bearded team--our average age is about 6-and-three-quarters (4-and-a-half if you take out Old Man Teppo), and the average beard-length is just above the point of visibility--but this off-season has seen some drastic changes in the (literal) face of the team. We've dumped our deadest-of-the-dead facial hair weight on the Flyers (you sure are paying top dollar for Danny's peach fuzz, Philly!), but unfortunately one of our strongest showers in the shun-the-clippers competition will be wearing Rangers blue next season. During the 2006 post season, a friend and I came up with the nickname "Dr-Dr-Dr-Drury!" (sung, of course, to the tune and rhythm of "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!") in order to commemorate the way Chris' beard seemed to spring up overnight, seemingly out of nothing but pure will (or fertilizer). I'll sure miss that nickname, but I'm confident that if guys like Goose and Soupy can step into larger roles of beard-skill and beard-leadership, we'll be just fine.
But let's not forget the other side of playoff beards: fan participation. Yes, beards are one of the oldest and most traditional of fan superstitions, and the tales of teams doomed by the clean-shaven visages in the stands haunt the annals of hockey history to this day. The rules are simple: to support your team, you must sacrifice the itch-free nature of your face; if you already sport a mustache, goatee, some hipster sideburns, or the like on a regular basis, you must shave and start from scratch; no shaving, trimming, or thinning allowed until your team has exited the running. My brother, who grows a rather impressive beard for a just-eighteen-year-old, relishes playoff time because it means he has an excuse for leaving his razor untouched, beyond, "I'm lazy." (This year, he tried to convince my dad that he shouldn't have to mow the lawn, either, since "It wants to grow it's playoff beard, too," but to no avail.) For once he's allowed to look unkempt and slobbish in public, and receives looks of awe and respect, rather than mild disdain. But the best part about fan beards isn't that they protect against the scorn of the Hockey Gods, or that they provide excuses for lax codes of personal hygiene. Most fascinatingly, facial hair is an essential tool for building a hockey community. Come April, beards are the universal, silent signal for "I'm a hockey fan," and when I see one on the kid bagging my groceries, I feel a slight twinge of regret that I am, in fact, a girl, and realizing where my loyalties lie isn't as easy as looking at my face. It's a strange tradition to feel left out of--I would never, under any other circumstances, wish to be the bearded lady--but as the Sabres went to the Eastern Conference Final this year, I was a little bit sad not to be scratching my neck along with the rest of the die-hards in Buffalo.
P.S. As I mentioned, the other day was my brother's birthday, and this T-shirt was his gift from me:
Just another reason I wish I could grow one. (Uh, that's me modeling, by the way. I don't want to start any false rumors that my brother has breasts. Not again.)
6 comments:
As someone who uses the "I'm lazy" excuse quite often, I can't say I condone the fan playoff beard. If we truly want to show our support I think we should start the playoff mullet tradition, as there have been many great mullets in the NHL (i.e. Jagr).
Love that shirt! Where'd he get it?
I like Soupy's beard the best, I think. It's so thick and bright and somehow it moves him from adorkably cute to pretty close to hot. I kind of wish he'd keep it all season.
Heather, I totally agree that Soupy's beard transforms him from not to HOT. I wish he would wear his playoff beard year round. Is that allowed?
I am a big fan of beards in general, so the combination of playoff hockey + my favorite guys sporting the lumberjack look= HOOO-RAY!
SPW's beard will be sorely missed.
Brian, you're right, a playoff mullet would show true commitment. That's an intense undertaking.
It's actually funny you ask about that shirt, Heather, since I have it to thank for leading me to IPB in the first place. I saw it in someone's facebook album, and knew right away I needed to get it for my brother. For some weird reason, googling "fear the beard" led me right to Kate's blog, and her entry about how great IPB is. The rest is history. I never did end up finding it online, but I accidentally stumbled across it in some random store a couple of weeks later.
I agree, Soupy's beard is both beautiful, and strangely hot. I would love for him to wear it year-round (I'm pretty sure that's allowed--this isn't the Devils), but I think maybe that would spoil its elusive magic.
Gambler, you're right that Soupy having the beard all year might ruin it. It's hot, but part of its appeal is definitely the sudden realization that holy moley, Soupy's freakin' hot now!
Kate, if he had it all season maybe he'd shave for the playoffs instead? I don't know! I love beards too and tried desperately to get Mark to grow one as a show of solidarity but he refused. He grew one the first winter we were back up here but decided it was too itchy to ever do again. Sad!
I think that most guys look better with a beard. Beards are awesome. Soupy's beard is particularly great because it takes away a little of his goofiness, and adds a little S,PW. If I were in charge of Soupy's facial hair, I would advise he keep a neat, well trimmed beard during the year, and then let it get totally out of control (think Grizzly Adams) during the playoffs. He looks like he's got the whiskers to pull off a pretty impressive beard if he's willing to really let it go wild. (The more I think about Soupy, the more I think he might be my new Sabres boyfriend.)
Chris Drury's beard was one of the things I loved most about him. I am considerably less hot for him sans-beard, and I was slightly disappointed that he clearly trimmed during the playoffs.
Gambler, I had no idea I played a role in you finding IPB! I'm so proud!
Post a Comment