Vienna really better suited for European Cake Championships

But before I get to that, a couple of words about what this blog is (ostensibly) actually about:

The Stanley Cup Finals have completely lost me. Since my classes for this semester are technically over, I predict I'll be up tonight at a time when I could watch the game, but I'm probably not even going to bother seeing if my internet will let me tune in. I'm just beyond caring. I've accepted that the Red Wings are going to win, and I'm pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. The one positive I'm choosing to focus on is that when Nick Lidstrom becomes the first European to ever captain a team to the cup (which, as the most genetically-engineered-superhumany of the genetically engineered superhumans, good for him), it will mean that Daniel Alfredsson (or worse, Jagr) won't have the chance anymore. That's good enough reason for me to accept the Cup going to Detroit. But the sad truth is, the other day I caught myself thinking that if Europe only allowed me access to one major sporting event this year, I'm glad it was the Super Bowl, and if that's not the most damning thing ever said about these Finals, I don't know what is. I mean I love hockey, and I don't even especially like football! But that game was totally worth staying up until 4 in the morning for (even with the crappy/depressing British commercials), and with these playoffs I've checked the box scores upon waking up and more often than not been relieved that I chose to sleep. So, while I may be regretting my decision to skip out on all these games when I start getting that itch come August, for now, hockey, I've made my peace with you, and I'm moving on.

So I've really not followed through on my planned Euro Cup coverage, have I? A trip to Paris and the traditional end-of-the-semester push to finish my work did a pretty good job of distracting me from my planned procrastination. Sorry about that. But today I read something in the German magazine Der Spiegel (available online in English) which got me back on task:

Vienna Is Uptight

I thought it was a pretty entertaining read, but probably less so if you're not familiar with the city, so I'll try to highlight:

The Viennese are not at all happy about handing their great imperial city over to a bunch of drunken football fans for the month of June, and they're not exactly making it a secret. The article opens by recounting the reaction to the first subway line that allowed the working class citizens of the outer quarters speedy access to the heart of the city:

Now, complained the Viennese daily Die Presse, the city will be flooded with the hoi polloi. Not a few agreed with the paper.

Thirty years later, it seems the elitist mentality hasn't changed much, and European football fans are the new "hoi polloi." Over the past couple of weeks I've watched the city's various treasures--gardens, theaters, monuments--being boarded up and barricaded from the impending onslaught. And I get it. Vienna has survived several sieges, two world wars, and it's not about to surrender all its history and restorative efforts to a drunken hoard of sports fans, who, let's be honest, have a tendency of getting out of control. But the thing is, I think Vienna could do with getting roughed up a bit. It's an undeniably beautiful city, chock full of palaces, parks, and churches, but it feels a bit like a museum. This is a country whose greatest claim to global significance since 1914 is getting mixed up with Australia all the time, and they spend most of their energy preserving what they accomplished hundreds of years ago. Half the time I expect the streets to reek of formaldehyde. That's not to say I'm not enjoying my time here, but I much preferred the feeling of Berlin, a city famous for its history, but alive with its promises of progress. Hopefully the Euro Cup will bring some vibrance, and some of the quotes from the Der Spiegel article strongly suggest it's time the Viennese put down their coffee cups, put on a little red-and-white and see what supporting their national team has to offer.

"I have an 86-year old mother. Do I have to lock her up at home?" asked a perfectly coiffed lady in a concerned voice at a recent public hearing at the Vienna city hall.

Man, locking your mother up for a solid month? That's pretty intense. Does this woman think the city is just going to be one big mosh pit 24/7? I mean, if it is, I stand corrected, and by all means keep your fragile relatives indoors. But I would say if you avoid the immediate area of the stadium, and save your shopping for the hours not following a big win (not that any Viennese store would dream of being open that late, anyway), you should be safe.

Most of all, though, there is a widespread fear of football hooligans, drunken fans charging through the city center, and the English.

I think this part made me crack up the most. Really, the third biggest threat to Vienna are the English? Even greater than bears? I'll have to remember to make my American-accented English extra-noticeable so I don't have people running from me screaming in the streets. The best part about this is that England didn't even qualify for the Euro, but that doesn't stop the Viennese from fearing them. They might come in and wreak havoc just because.

Surveys have found that one-third of Austrians don't care about the tournament at all. In the heart of Vienna, indications that the world's second biggest football tournament are about to start are almost impossible to find -- even if the Euro2008 will be, along with the 1976 Winter Olympics, one of the most important sporting events in the country's history. A few intersections are graced with red, blue and yellow soccer-player models made of wood, and shops have now placed a few football trinkets next to the standard Vienna souvenir fare. But that's about it.

This is really sad. You have one of the premiere sporting events in the world happening in your city, and you can't even get a little excited about it? It's like Carolina hosting a Stanley Cup parade! Although at least Austria has the excuse of their team being sort of pathetic. It's kind of hard to blame them for ignoring a sport they're apparently just not that good at. Still, I'm an American. My country isn't even competing, and even if they were they would have to resort to having the other team's defenders scoring goals for them just like in the World Cup. And I'm excited. At least work up a healthy hatred of the Germans, or something! Stir it up a little bit! Also, just to add a little first-hand evidence to this, I've seen a couple of other signs of the coming tournament--a football exhibit in the Technical Museum, red and white banners gracing the city hall, football-shaped and -painted shrubs--but I have yet to see a real, live person wearing any of the scarves or jerseys or shirts being sold sporadically about the city. It's like the enjoyment of the event is there in theory, but no one's actually bothering to put it into practice.

Once the ball starts rolling, the center of Vienna will host a "fan mile" like those that dotted Germany two summers ago. Eight-hundred meters of the city's famous Ringstrasse, circling the heart of the capital, will be closed off for 70,000 fans to watch the games on giant screens.

Okay, nothing pathetic about this. That sounds awesome, and I'm totally there.

There are more than 1,000 rose bushes growing [in the famous Volksgarten], rare types such as the "Gloria Dei" and the "Freedom Bell." They have to be protected at all costs, says Gerd Koch, caretaker of the garden. "The garden was first created in 1820. If the fans were allowed in, the plants here would be in danger." [...] Writes Vienna's Standard, it is incomprehensible that the noble city center will be turned over to football fans when everyone knows their proclivity for "boozing, chanting, pissing and barfing."

First of all, I think I have to get my hands on this Standard article, because the terms for "boozing, chanting, pissing and barfing" are currently huge holes in my German vocabulary. Second of all, I love how Vienna is treating football fans like wild animals or little kids. Better lock up your garbage cans and put safety caps on all your medicines while you're at it. I get the aversion to pissing and barfing (provided they're referring to public enactments thereof), but, really, they're going to hold boozing and chanting against people? What else are they terrified the fans might do? Tear and stomp on a photo of a Gloria Dei? Deface portraits of Austria's favorite Kaisers by drawing silly mustaches on them?

Oh... wait.

At least they dodged a bullet here:

Justice officials recently let their compatriots know that, according to official regulations, only the high state representatives are allowed to fly flags from their cars. Those letting patriotic euphoria get the better of them could be hit with draconian penalties.

Really, after seeing what hosting the 2006 World Cup did for German national identity (which was pretty incredible), they were seriously going to try to hem in the flag-waving? Luckily, the Transportation Minister had the sense to intervene and suspend this ruling before anyone had the chance to get outraged. Thanks, Werner Faymann! I've actually seen quite a few flags flying from cars all over the city. It's the one clue that there might actually be some self-declared football fans here, just waiting for the chance to bust out. I sure hope so, because the car flags, more than anything, remind me of what it was like in playoff Buffalo, and I'll be fairly disappointed if a continental competition can't live up to that level of excitement.

Only four days left. Here's hoping Vienna gets knocked on her ass! Just, figuratively and not irreparably, okay, football fans?