Idiot's Guide to UEFA Euro 2008: Group B

The UEFA Euro Cup (also known by about a billion other names like the European Football Championship, Euro 2008, or die Euro or die EM if you're speaking German) is a competition consisting of 16 teams, split up into four groups of four. In the early rounds of the tournament, the teams from each group compete amongst themselves and the top two finishers go on to play in the quarter finals. The 2008 schedule looks like this. I've spent the past couple of days getting to know the teams a little bit, and here's what I've found out.

Group B - Austria, Croatia, Germany, Poland

Austria

"Hosted By Losers" - That pretty much says it all.
[Der Spiegel]

What I think: My recent reaction to the apathy of the Viennese didn't really tell the whole story of my feelings about Austria. Though it's true I preferred Berlin, Vienna has it's own charms. First of all, there's Wiener Schnitzel which is almost delicious enough to make me stop missing the Döner in Berlin (almost), and a national obsession with a meal called "Coffee and Cake" can never be a bad thing. Plus, for a theater and German nut, like myself, who wants to see theater in German, it's pretty much the perfect place. I just want to see the city get a little riled up, that's all. And since the easiest way for that to happen is for them to win a few games, I'm fully behind team Austria.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Macho, Prödl, Fuchs, Ivanschitz
The outlook: It's not too good. Austria has never qualified for the finals of the Euro Cup before, ever. And I'm not entirely sure how the qualifying works, but I think they may have just gotten a free pass in this time because they're hosting. The tournament website tells me they've only played friendly matches leading up to the finals, which certainly makes it sound like they bypassed the whole qualifying thing. They didn't qualify for the 2006 World Cup either, so they remain essentially untested in competitive international play, but who knows how home field advantage could spark their game. The Germany/Austria game (on June 16th) is going to be huge, and if Austria wins, look out. Despite the not-so-encouraging evidence, coach Josef Hickersberger (heh) remains convinced that his team will flourish in the role of host and will make the quarterfinals. I'm hopeful, but, looking at the rest of Group B, less than convinced.

Croatia

Ivan Klasnić - Wait a second, what's my brother doing playing
for the Croatian national team?
[Getty Images]

What I think: Seriously, that picture looks just like my brother (minus the weird facial hair), and it's freaking me out. I wish I had an appropriate comparison photo to throw up here and make you all see it, but I don't, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Anyway. The Croats have been a pleasant epiphany for me. I've always wanted to visit Dubrovnik, but other than that I didn't really have much knowledge of Croatia. A preliminary perusal of their team photos has me convinced that they're all very cute buttons, and their red-and-white checkered jerseys (not featured in the above photo) are really quite pleasing. I'm inclined to cheer for Team Croatia.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Srna, Runje, Rakitić
The outlook: Phew, it seems my sudden, unexpected crush on the Croats might not be doomed, as the website assures me that they are "packing a mean punch." They certainly whirled through the qualifying round, only losing one game, and clinching their place atop their qualifying group with one game to spare. They're also the ones to thank for saving Vienna from those pesky English, as they defeated them in their final game 3-2 and ended their hopes of qualifying. They're coming off of consecutive defeats in the group stages of Euro 2004 and the 2006 World Cup, but this time around they're looking delightfully juggernauty. Let's see if they can keep it up. I'm certainly hoping they can.

Germany

Michael Ballack - Hey, I remember this guy, too!
[Getty Images]

What I think: In all the World Cups I've seen, Germany has been my default team to cheer for, and I don't see that changing for the Euro. I'm a big fan of their language, their food, and their capital. Why wouldn't I be a fan of their football team, too? And if Cristiano Ronaldo is the face of the tournament I'll never forget, Michael Ballack is the name I'll never forget. During the 2002 World Cup, which I watched in Hamburg (Germany, not WNY), "Ballack" was one of the few words I could understand amid the mess of German commentary. (At the time I was still learning Spanish.) And for some reason my family and I spent much of the Germany games of the 2006 World Cup just saying "Ballack" over and over again in progressively exaggerated German accents. It's been pretty beaten into my brain.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Schweinsteiger (not only does it sound funny, in German it means "pig climber"), Frings, Hitzlsperger, Odonkor
The outlook: Germany's the most successful team in Euro Cup history, having won the Cup three times, in '72 and '80 as West Germany, and in '96 as reunified Germany. They're a perennial powerhouse when it comes to international football, and will be looking to accomplish what they failed to do in 2006 when they hosted the World Cup. I know it was two years ago, but I expect they'll still be riding a wave of their fans' World-Cup related excitement coming into the Euro. It was kind of a big deal for the Germans. As far as their qualification games went, they were pretty all over the place. They were the first team to qualify for the finals, but ultimately finished second in their group to the Czechs (I'm not sure how that works, but that's what the website is telling me). At one point they beat San Marino 13-0, and at another they lost to the Czech Republic 0-3. I'm sure they'll bring their best game to Austria, though, and shouldn't have a problem making it to the quarterfinals.

Poland

Polish Fans - They're pretty hardcore.
[Getty Images]

What I think: Yet another Group B team I could see myself rooting for, based solely on the fact that Krakow was, outside of Berlin, the best city I visited during my European trip. (Yes, it was better than Paris.) The city was beautiful and yet somehow (unlike Prague) mostly devoid of tourists, the beer was tasty, the pierogies were worship-worthy, and the streets filling with hundreds of football fans and riot police was exhilarating. I would definitely go back if I had the chance. My experience in Krakow was enough reason for me to wish Team Poland well.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Kuszczak, Wawrzyniak, Dudka, Błaszczykowski
The outlook: Like Austria, Poland will be appearing in their first ever Euro Cup finals this year, but unlike Austria, they at least got there honestly. They came out on top of the only qualifying group that contained eight teams instead of seven, with Portugal as their runners-up, due to a strong performance by striker Euzebiusz Smolarek and a six-game winning streak. They lost out in the first stage of the 2006 World Cup to Germany and Ecuador, but they should be able to ride the momentum of their qualification wins and the passion of their fans and make this Group B interesting.

Coming Soon: Groups C and D!

Idiot's Guide to UEFA Euro 2008: Group A

The UEFA Euro Cup (also known by about a billion other names like the European Football Championship, Euro 2008, or die Euro or die EM if you're speaking German) is a competition consisting of 16 teams, split up into four groups of four. In the early rounds of the tournament, the teams from each group compete amongst themselves and the top two finishers go on to play in the quarter finals. The 2008 schedule looks like this. I've spent the past couple of days getting to know the teams a little bit, and here's what I've found out.

Group A - Switzerland, Czech Republic, Portugal, Turkey

Switzerland

Diego Benaglio - Hopefully he's no Swiss cheese. (I know, I crack me up, too.)
[Getty Images]

What I think: I'm pretty entertained by the fact that Switzerland not only has a national team, but are also co-hosts of this tournament. I mean, doesn't their dedication to neutrality mean they can't choose sides? The crowds at the various non-Swiss games being hosted in Swiss arenas are going to be full of fans holding signs saying things like, "You're both winners to us!" or "We're not getting involved!" Also, according to Wikipedia, 72% of Swiss citizens speak German (or a language that's apparently technically German, but for which even native German speakers need subtitles), 21% speak French, 6% speak Italian, and less than 1% speak Romansh, which, despite the fact that less than 1% of the population speaks it, is still considered one of their national languages. Could communication on the pitch be a problem? All kidding aside, I'm very positive on Switzerland. I've always wanted to go there (and probably pretend I don't speak German just so I don't have to deal with that impenetrable dialect), and the three Swiss guys I shared a class with in Berlin (an Italian- and two French-speakers, so their German was thankfully perfectly understandable) were some of my favorite people I've met on this trip.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Zuberbühler, Spycher, Vonlanthen, Gygax, Derdiyok
The outlook: The Swiss had a pretty strong showing at the World Cup two years ago in Germany. They tied the eventual runners-up France 0-0 and then went on to beat Togo and Korea (both with a score of 2-0) to enter the Round of 16, only to lose to the Ukraine in a shootout after holding them to a 0-0 tie the whole game. That's rough, but playing four games and never giving up a goal is pretty bad-ass. Unfortunately, their history in the Euro isn't as promising. This will be only their third time in the Finals, and their previous two appearances consisted of one tie and two losses each. Their preparations for Euro 2008 have yielded some mixed results: They tied Argentina 1-1, and beat the Netherlands 2-1, which is promising, but they also managed to lose 0-1 to the US, which is kind of sad. All in all, they're a long shot, but they could surprise some people.

Czech Republic

David Jarolím - Telekinetic mind powers at work.
[Getty Images]

What I think: I had the good fortune to travel to the Czech Republic this semester, and it was delightful. After spending five days in Prague I can focus on the positives (Spacek) and forgive the Czechs for Jagr and Hasek. (Just kidding! I, begrudgingly, admit that those guys are pretty good, too.) That being said, unless something drastic happens, I can't see myself cheering for the Czechs at any point in this tournament.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Čech, Ujfaluši, Matějovský, Vlček

The outlook: The 2006 World Cup was pretty rough for the Czechs, who mustered just one win (3-0 against the US) before bowing out in the opening round after subsequent losses to Ghana and Italy. Apparently injuries were a factor then, however, and they seem more than geared up for this upcoming tournament. They certainly qualified with style, beating, among others, Germany 3-0, while missing some of their best players, no less. (Or at least so I've read. I wouldn't know the Czech Republic's best soccer players if they kicked me in the face.) They seem primed for victory. Of course, they seem equally primed for a huge faceplant. Only time will tell, I guess.

Portugal

Cristiano Ronaldo - My 2006 World Cup boyfriend.
[Getty Images]

What I think: Portugal has the auspicious distinction of having on its roster the only name in the entire tournament I recognize. This is because I'm unabashedly shallow, and spent a good portion of my summer 2006 drooling over the various charms of Cristiano Ronaldo. His is not a face I could easily forget. Oh, and I hear he's pretty good at soccer, or whatever, too. I seem to have this nagging feeling, though, that he was kind of a douche in the World Cup, even though I can't remember the exact incident in question. Wait, was he the guy who purposefully stomped on some other guy's bits? Anyway, since soccer is just my fling sport, I'm not obligated to reflect on what it says about me that I'm drooling over a bits-stomper. So I won't.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Quim, Pepe, Moutinho, Quaresma
The outlook: In 2006, Portugal lost to France in the World Cup semi-finals and then to Germany to finish fourth place overall. They had an even better showing in Euro 2004, which they hosted, where they lost only two games--their first and their last, both against Greece. Unfortunately, that last loss against Greece was in the championship game. After coming so close to winning it all on their own turf four years ago, you would think Portugal would be coming in raring to go and with something to prove. But that doesn't exactly seem to be the case. (I'll admit, it's probably harder to keep the momentum rolling from a defeat that happened four years ago than I'm making it sound.) Portugal struggled mightily in their qualifying games, despite my man Cristiano scoring 8 goals (in how many games, I'm not sure, but it sure sounds impressive). They tied Poland, Serbia, and Armenia, and only solidified their qualification by drawing Finland 0-0. Unfortunately for them, a string of ties hasn't won a Championship yet, so they just have to be better.

Turkey

Hamit Altintop and Nihat Kahveci - Sharing some Turkish Delight.
[Getty Images]

What I think: Pretty much all I know about Turkey is Döner. But that's more than enough evidence for me to say Turkey rocks. Um, Döner is pretty delicious.
Jerseys I would consider buying just for the sake of having the name on my back: Güngör, Belözoğlu, Gökdeniz, Şentürk
The outlook: The only team in this group who failed to qualify for both Euro 2004 and the 2006 World Cup, it certainly seems like Turkey's destined to get their asses kicked. Hell, maybe even Switzerland will beat them. Then again, the past doesn't determine everything and this year's national team seems to have some spunk. Or at least they did. They won their first three qualifying games without giving up a single goal, including a 5-0 win against Moldova in which Hakan Şükür scored four goals. Then they seemed to have shat the bed, though, only winning one of their next six, including a loss to Bosnia-Herzegovina, and a draw against Malta. My hockey sense is reminding me that you don't want to win all of your games going into the big show for fear of peaking too soon, but at the same time the Turks seem dangerously like the European version of the 07/08 Senators. Either way, I really want a Döner now.

Coming Soon: Groups B, C, and D!

Vienna really better suited for European Cake Championships

But before I get to that, a couple of words about what this blog is (ostensibly) actually about:

The Stanley Cup Finals have completely lost me. Since my classes for this semester are technically over, I predict I'll be up tonight at a time when I could watch the game, but I'm probably not even going to bother seeing if my internet will let me tune in. I'm just beyond caring. I've accepted that the Red Wings are going to win, and I'm pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. The one positive I'm choosing to focus on is that when Nick Lidstrom becomes the first European to ever captain a team to the cup (which, as the most genetically-engineered-superhumany of the genetically engineered superhumans, good for him), it will mean that Daniel Alfredsson (or worse, Jagr) won't have the chance anymore. That's good enough reason for me to accept the Cup going to Detroit. But the sad truth is, the other day I caught myself thinking that if Europe only allowed me access to one major sporting event this year, I'm glad it was the Super Bowl, and if that's not the most damning thing ever said about these Finals, I don't know what is. I mean I love hockey, and I don't even especially like football! But that game was totally worth staying up until 4 in the morning for (even with the crappy/depressing British commercials), and with these playoffs I've checked the box scores upon waking up and more often than not been relieved that I chose to sleep. So, while I may be regretting my decision to skip out on all these games when I start getting that itch come August, for now, hockey, I've made my peace with you, and I'm moving on.

So I've really not followed through on my planned Euro Cup coverage, have I? A trip to Paris and the traditional end-of-the-semester push to finish my work did a pretty good job of distracting me from my planned procrastination. Sorry about that. But today I read something in the German magazine Der Spiegel (available online in English) which got me back on task:

Vienna Is Uptight

I thought it was a pretty entertaining read, but probably less so if you're not familiar with the city, so I'll try to highlight:

The Viennese are not at all happy about handing their great imperial city over to a bunch of drunken football fans for the month of June, and they're not exactly making it a secret. The article opens by recounting the reaction to the first subway line that allowed the working class citizens of the outer quarters speedy access to the heart of the city:

Now, complained the Viennese daily Die Presse, the city will be flooded with the hoi polloi. Not a few agreed with the paper.

Thirty years later, it seems the elitist mentality hasn't changed much, and European football fans are the new "hoi polloi." Over the past couple of weeks I've watched the city's various treasures--gardens, theaters, monuments--being boarded up and barricaded from the impending onslaught. And I get it. Vienna has survived several sieges, two world wars, and it's not about to surrender all its history and restorative efforts to a drunken hoard of sports fans, who, let's be honest, have a tendency of getting out of control. But the thing is, I think Vienna could do with getting roughed up a bit. It's an undeniably beautiful city, chock full of palaces, parks, and churches, but it feels a bit like a museum. This is a country whose greatest claim to global significance since 1914 is getting mixed up with Australia all the time, and they spend most of their energy preserving what they accomplished hundreds of years ago. Half the time I expect the streets to reek of formaldehyde. That's not to say I'm not enjoying my time here, but I much preferred the feeling of Berlin, a city famous for its history, but alive with its promises of progress. Hopefully the Euro Cup will bring some vibrance, and some of the quotes from the Der Spiegel article strongly suggest it's time the Viennese put down their coffee cups, put on a little red-and-white and see what supporting their national team has to offer.

"I have an 86-year old mother. Do I have to lock her up at home?" asked a perfectly coiffed lady in a concerned voice at a recent public hearing at the Vienna city hall.

Man, locking your mother up for a solid month? That's pretty intense. Does this woman think the city is just going to be one big mosh pit 24/7? I mean, if it is, I stand corrected, and by all means keep your fragile relatives indoors. But I would say if you avoid the immediate area of the stadium, and save your shopping for the hours not following a big win (not that any Viennese store would dream of being open that late, anyway), you should be safe.

Most of all, though, there is a widespread fear of football hooligans, drunken fans charging through the city center, and the English.

I think this part made me crack up the most. Really, the third biggest threat to Vienna are the English? Even greater than bears? I'll have to remember to make my American-accented English extra-noticeable so I don't have people running from me screaming in the streets. The best part about this is that England didn't even qualify for the Euro, but that doesn't stop the Viennese from fearing them. They might come in and wreak havoc just because.

Surveys have found that one-third of Austrians don't care about the tournament at all. In the heart of Vienna, indications that the world's second biggest football tournament are about to start are almost impossible to find -- even if the Euro2008 will be, along with the 1976 Winter Olympics, one of the most important sporting events in the country's history. A few intersections are graced with red, blue and yellow soccer-player models made of wood, and shops have now placed a few football trinkets next to the standard Vienna souvenir fare. But that's about it.

This is really sad. You have one of the premiere sporting events in the world happening in your city, and you can't even get a little excited about it? It's like Carolina hosting a Stanley Cup parade! Although at least Austria has the excuse of their team being sort of pathetic. It's kind of hard to blame them for ignoring a sport they're apparently just not that good at. Still, I'm an American. My country isn't even competing, and even if they were they would have to resort to having the other team's defenders scoring goals for them just like in the World Cup. And I'm excited. At least work up a healthy hatred of the Germans, or something! Stir it up a little bit! Also, just to add a little first-hand evidence to this, I've seen a couple of other signs of the coming tournament--a football exhibit in the Technical Museum, red and white banners gracing the city hall, football-shaped and -painted shrubs--but I have yet to see a real, live person wearing any of the scarves or jerseys or shirts being sold sporadically about the city. It's like the enjoyment of the event is there in theory, but no one's actually bothering to put it into practice.

Once the ball starts rolling, the center of Vienna will host a "fan mile" like those that dotted Germany two summers ago. Eight-hundred meters of the city's famous Ringstrasse, circling the heart of the capital, will be closed off for 70,000 fans to watch the games on giant screens.

Okay, nothing pathetic about this. That sounds awesome, and I'm totally there.

There are more than 1,000 rose bushes growing [in the famous Volksgarten], rare types such as the "Gloria Dei" and the "Freedom Bell." They have to be protected at all costs, says Gerd Koch, caretaker of the garden. "The garden was first created in 1820. If the fans were allowed in, the plants here would be in danger." [...] Writes Vienna's Standard, it is incomprehensible that the noble city center will be turned over to football fans when everyone knows their proclivity for "boozing, chanting, pissing and barfing."

First of all, I think I have to get my hands on this Standard article, because the terms for "boozing, chanting, pissing and barfing" are currently huge holes in my German vocabulary. Second of all, I love how Vienna is treating football fans like wild animals or little kids. Better lock up your garbage cans and put safety caps on all your medicines while you're at it. I get the aversion to pissing and barfing (provided they're referring to public enactments thereof), but, really, they're going to hold boozing and chanting against people? What else are they terrified the fans might do? Tear and stomp on a photo of a Gloria Dei? Deface portraits of Austria's favorite Kaisers by drawing silly mustaches on them?

Oh... wait.

At least they dodged a bullet here:

Justice officials recently let their compatriots know that, according to official regulations, only the high state representatives are allowed to fly flags from their cars. Those letting patriotic euphoria get the better of them could be hit with draconian penalties.

Really, after seeing what hosting the 2006 World Cup did for German national identity (which was pretty incredible), they were seriously going to try to hem in the flag-waving? Luckily, the Transportation Minister had the sense to intervene and suspend this ruling before anyone had the chance to get outraged. Thanks, Werner Faymann! I've actually seen quite a few flags flying from cars all over the city. It's the one clue that there might actually be some self-declared football fans here, just waiting for the chance to bust out. I sure hope so, because the car flags, more than anything, remind me of what it was like in playoff Buffalo, and I'll be fairly disappointed if a continental competition can't live up to that level of excitement.

Only four days left. Here's hoping Vienna gets knocked on her ass! Just, figuratively and not irreparably, okay, football fans?

NHL Playoffs are Boring, Unavailable

My internet connection has been extra-finicky lately, and my schedule extra-packed, so my viewing time of these Conference Finals has totaled just about one-and-a-half periods of Game 1 of Detroit versus Dallas. Judging by some of the reactions of disinterested fans that I've been reading, I haven't been missing much. I came back from Krakow with the Final matchup more or less decided, both Detroit and Pittsburgh sitting on 3-0 leads over their opponents. Sure, both Dallas and Philadelphia have won a game since then, and there's still technically a chance they could pull their respective series out (if it has to be one of them, please please please let it be the Stars), but I find myself longing for first round, when there was still some semblance of parity at work. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing the Pens sweep the Sens, but hard-fought, seven-game series are what the Stanley Cup Playoffs are all about, and with each passing game it's looking more and more like this year's Cup already has the Genetically Engineered Superhumans' names stamped on it. (Stars and/or Pens, feel free to prove me wrong.) So what's a Sabres fan overseas without any reliable internet streaming or captivating playoff hockey to do?

Luckily, Europe has the answer for me: UEFA Euro 2008

The summer of 2006, my first off-season as a hockey fan, I was saved from obsessively following contract moves and listening to the general belly-aching of the Buffalo fanbase (something I masochistically subjected myself to the following summer), in part by obsessivlt watching the World Cup in Germany instead. I'm one of the few Americans who actually admits to finding soccer an entertaining sport to watch, and the World Cup is as good as it gets. Second good as it gets, apparently, is the Euro Cup, which is being co-hosted by Switzerland and Austria this year, with some of the most important games, including the finals, happening right here in Vienna. I got a little taste of what the craziness is going to be like last weekend, when Krakow won the Polish-league title (which they apparently do without playoffs, how lame is that?), and hundreds of soccer fans poured into the streets, carefully supervised by hundreds of riot police in full gear. It was somewhat terrifying, but mostly exhilerating, hearing all of those people clapping and chanting in unison, spontaneously breaking out into Polish songs. So I've decided I'm going to take full advantage of being in the same city as the European soccer championships. What kind of sports fan would I be if I didn't? And what kind of sports blogger would I be if I didn't subject my readers to a sport and an event that they don't really care about? Well, you know me, I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to be a horrible blogger!

The purposefully garish countdown clock to your right says there are only 20 days left until the first game, so that means I have 20 days to beef up my knowledge of European soccer. Luckily the tournament website is built like an idiot's guide, so I'll be able to get to know the teams a little bit beforehand and prepare for the games. Stay tuned for a summary of my findings!

This is going to be fun!

Pop Quiz

Find the twenty-year-old in this picture:

Sid may have thinner facial hair than some women I've seen,

but at least he doesn't look like he wants his mommy.
[Picture from nhl.com]

This is why I love hockey photography. I haven't been able to watch a single second of this series, but I think that picture tells me all I need to know.

Happy Mom's Day!

You know, Dads get a lot of credit when it comes to cultivating their kid's sports consciousness, and rightly so; I distinctly remember going with my dad to Sabres, Bisons, and Blizzard (dude, remember the Blizzard?) games as a kid, tossing around a lacrosse ball or kicking around a soccer ball in the backyard. But those are stories for next month. Today I'd like to give the Moms of the world, and my mom in particular, their due for bringing an appreciation of sports to their kids.

As I've mentioned before, even though I was raised by two intense Buffalo sports fans, and thus always had an awareness of sports, I never really got turned on to hockey until the Sabres' 2005-2006 season. I didn't start getting hardcore until that playoff run, but in the spirit of full disclosure, the ball was set in motion well before that, and it was all my mom's doing. I was home one night during my winter break, lounging on the couch and not really paying attention while my parents watched a mid-season Sabres game. When the first intermission came around, my mom lit up and said, "You have to see this guy." The intermission show included an interview with a player on injured reserve who was saying something or other about the Sabres, sitting there looking sharp in a suit. It was Taylor Pyatt, and he looked good. He looked damn good. It's embarrassing to admit, but that was the first time I really looked at hockey and said "Huh. There might be something worthwhile to this sport after all." I watched the rest of the game with my parents. I don't remember who they played or if they won, but I do remember my dad telling me about a new young Sabre whose style and grit he liked--Paul Gaustad. After that, my mom knew my weakness. She kept needling me about Pyatt, using him as a reward to get me to keep watching hockey with her for the rest of my break. After I went back to school, of course, my dedication dropped off due to the distance, but with summer came the playoffs, when my mom finally got her wish and I fell in love with the Sabres.

And since she made me do it, I think it's only fair that she's around to help me deal with it, which she is. I've never known my mom to not be willing to talk about hockey. In fact, since I've been here in Europe, I don't think we've had a single conversation (mostly over AIM) that didn't center on the Sabres, at least as some point. First she would update me on the family: what my sister was up to in NYC, what new ways my brother had come up with to drive her nuts, how my dad was diligently working on his German. And then, inevitably, we would turn to talking about who looked like shit on defense last night, or why Pommerdoodle deserved the Lady Byng nomination, or how on earth my dad could be rooting for the Flyers. So, Mom, for getting me started on my hockey obsession, and then continuing to support me through it, I post these goodies on your erstwhile and current hockey crushes in your honor:

Rhett Warrener

Taylor Pyatt

Jason Pominville

Enjoy! And for all of the moms out there today, driving your kids to practice, picking up their equipment, making sure they're staying hydrated, and just generally being moms: Have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Hockey Players are Cheap and Easy

The internet has a new toy!

Everyone's getting in on the fun of Hockey-Reference.com, which is home to not only more hockey stats than you could ever need, but also a kind of internet whorehouse where you can "sponsor" different players and use the ad space to enhance or deface their profiles as you see fit. Of course, anywhere you get to pimp your website and be silly at the same time is like a blogger's paradise, so the internets have been abuzz lately as everybody's been plunking down the (PayPal) dough and snatching up their favorite players.

Alas, Yo-Yo was already taken by the time I caught on to this whole trend. After I'd finished rending my clothing and tearing out my hair, I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and bought Marty instead. The reasons were fourfold: 1. I didn't want any Flyers fans getting to him first, 2. The tagline of my blog fits in well on the profile of a notorious chatterbox, 3. I realized during the Versus intermission piece on him that his accent has more Buffalo than Quebec, and that's just wicked, 4. I love him. Of course, then I felt bad about putting up $10 for a Flyer, even if it is Marty, and none for my boys in Blue and Gold, so I went and got Official Second Favorite Sabre Adam Mair as well. The reasons here were pretty much onefold: he kicks ass. All in all $20 well spent, I think.

Aside from the fun of the sponsorships, I'm absolutely fascinated by the broad scope of statistics available on that site, and regardless of the fact that I don't really understand stats, nor do I have any real use for them, I can see myself wasting a lot of time there. Hey, maybe I'll accidentally learn something while I'm at it!

By the way, while trying to learn more about this Felix Schutz character I'm bound to fall in love with someday (despite the fact that he looks astoundingly like a chubbier version of my cousin), I came across this tidbit in his Q & A session on Sabres.com:

Jochen Hecht is German and he came over the first day of camp and said hi and said if I needed any help that I could ask him. Some of the younger guys helped me out too, but pretty much everyone was really great, a bunch of good guys.

I did keep in touch [with Hecht]. And there is another guy, [Phillipe] Gogulla, and we were hanging around and talking German at camp.

First of all, how cute is Yo-Yo, being all helpful and stuff? What a sweetie! But more importantly, I'm just going to say right now that if I ever hear Jochen Hecht speaking German, I may just faint dead away. Just saying.

By the Way

You're on a Sabres blog. Just in case the new giant Overlord Yo-Yo banner and color scheme changes are too subtle.

I'm going to Poland for a few days, and probably won't have any internet, but such is my renewed obsession with blogging that I've set a couple of posts to automatically update while I'm gone. I've never done this before, so if it somehow turns into a complete disaster, try to look the other way until Tuesday, when I come back and can fix it, okay? Also, don't be perplexed when I continue to ignore the existence of the playoffs, and don't be offended when I don't promptly answer your urgent cries for help in the comments. It's not that I don't love you (or the playoffs, or hockey, or blogging), it's just that I'm in Poland.

While I'm Here...

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but my taste for blogging has recently returned in quasi-full force! It's somewhat puzzling: are my usual prolific tendencies of the off-season hitting me a little bit early this year, or am I just trying to procrastinate on writing this German analysis of stage design in any way possible? Um, for the sake of the sanity of the people who pay for my education and also happen to read this blog, I'd rather not say. (Just kidding, Mom and Dad! That German stage design is so analyzed, it's not even funny.) In any case, I figured since I'm already here, babbling on about blogging, my personal ratings of the Sabres, and Germans I may someday grow to love, I may as well write something about, you know, what's actually happening in the NHL. This thing called the "Playoffs" has just reached a point called the "Conference Finals," and apparently it's some kind of big deal. Man, I feel so separated from the NHL these days, it's like there's an ocean between us, or something. Anyway, let's see what all the fuss is about! (A better blogger than I would have had this up before the games actually started. But I am not, in case you haven't noticed, a better blogger than I, so this will have to do.)

Western Conference Final
First things first, I have to admit that after the Devils succumbed to my bandwagon poison in the first round, the Stars sort of took over where they left off. As a Sabres fan from a Sabres fan family, and someone with pre-teen, PTSD-y memories of No Goal, I'm a little surprised to be rooting for the Stars, but what can I say? 1999 was a long time ago, and they've won me over with their spunky underdog ways. They so kindly got rid of the two teams I most wanted to see gone from the West in their first two rounds, which surprisingly few expected them to do. Unfortunately, I see a problem here. They're playing the Red Wings. Before last night I hadn't seen the Wings play a single game this season, but Detroit's reputation definitely precedes them. One look at their stats and standings for the season tells you that they're a well-oiled hockey machine, and maybe it's mostly the red unis, but I can't help but be reminded of the "Feeling of Futility and Impending DOOM" you're supposed to get looking at the Soviet team in the movie Miracle. In less historically problematic terms, they're the Genetically Engineered Superhuman High of the NHL, and I'm probably going to spend the rest of the series looking for the zipper in Nicklas Lidstrom's belly. So while my heart says Dallas, my head says Detroit. But either way, based on the half-game I saw last night, I think I'm going to enjoy this series, if I continue to be able to watch it. The Wings may not be as endearing as the Stars, but they are good at hockey. And I, despite what my Sabres fandom might say about me, enjoy good hockey. As long as Hasek remains on the bench, that is. Totally uneducated guess of a prediction: Hockey Robots in 6

Eastern Conference Final
Wow, this is weird, isn't it? I know it's kind of "Duh" to point out at this point so deep in the playoffs that the Sabres aren't in it, but I can't help but find it strange to think that there are only four teams left, and the Sabres aren't one of them. It's a little bit heartbreaking, actually. Anyway, a Sabres fan's rooting interests in the Battle of Pennsylvania are clear. (Not that I followed the rules for Sabres fans in the West, but the Stars are far less repulsive than the Flyers.) You may hate the Sidney hype machine, you may think Malkin is a slack-jawed idiot, and you may think "Flower" is the dumbest nickname a grown man has ever willingly endured, but none of that matters because they're playing the Flyers. If their blood lust and dedication to goonery don't make you puke, that shade of orange will. Fortunately for me, I happen to like the Penguins anyway. I adore Sid, and I can't think of a single player on the team whom I outright dislike. Plus, they seem to clearly be the better team in these playoffs. They easily swept the Senators (delightful!), dismissed the Rangers in five (double delightful!), and looked good doing it. Of course, the Sens were a mess and the Rangers were the Jagr Show (I think that pretty much says it all) so we'll have to see how they respond when they're actually challenged. The Flyers, on the other hand, had some trouble getting rid of the Caps, as their first round match-up went to seven games, but seemed to pick up some momentum when they won four straight games to send the Habs packing in five. (I guess. I mean, I didn't watch one second of that series.) And while I'm absolutely in the Pens' camp on this one, I've decided an upset wouldn't be the end of the world after all. Out of the "Three That Got Away" from the Sabres over the past calendar year, Danny Briere is the one I hate the least. (Basically at this point I only hate him because he's a Flyer--unlike Drury, whom I hate for reasons additional to his Rangerness, and Soupy, whom I don't hate for being a Shark [for now] at all. I just hate him for being.) I wouldn't rejoice if he won the Cup, but I probably wouldn't die either. Besides, the Flyers have Marty Biron, who's like this playoff's version of "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass." I've decided that should Philadelphia go on to the Finals, and should they win the Cup, my unconditional love of Marty will be enough to get me through it. Still, I'm going with my heart on this one. Totally uneducated guess of a prediction: Sidguins in 7

The New Kids

Yesterday the Sabres increased their ranks of left-shooting German centers whose names easily lend themselves to lame puns by 100%. That Darcy, he knows just what I like.

Oh, and something about a kid named Gerbe, too. I guess he's going to be big. Except... small. He'll be big and small. Bigly small and smally big. If you know what I mean. (And what I mean is he's 5'5" and really good at hockey.)